Living out Loud

 I often wonder how people get through difficult times with out God? How do you find peace or hope? God has been putting on my heart since January when Nathan went into Rehab that there are so many people that suffer in silence because they LOVE an addict. You don't want to be judged, you feel shame (for yourself and the user), and so many other feelings. The shame is the worst because it keeps you from finding freedom especially in Christ. God created us to be in community with others and that means being real. I often say that I struggle with judging those that judge because it makes me so angry! I have sat in parking lots at NA meetings seeing how many people are there and all I can do is pray for them and their families and think about how many people are suffering in silence. I am not exactly sure what God has planned but I know that he is going to use what has happened in my past to help others and for me to also be encouraged by those that I meet. I have established really amazing bonds with other women who are going through exactly what I am and I am thankful that God has placed them all in my life. On a daily basis I seek God and his plan for our life and although things are not glamorous I know that God is in it. I have faith and hope that "this too shall pass...". I am waiting on a book to arrive and I am so excited to read it and use it for whatever God wants. I just know that I am choosing to continue to live my life out loud not allowing anything or anyone to stop me from spreading what God has done in our life. This is the life God planned for me and it is GOOD TO BE ALIVE.....

Deep Thoughts

So lately I have not had much time for blogging or writing in my journal and I see the difference in myself. Why is it that us moms are so hard on ourselves and forget to take care of us?? I have had some really hard days some would say a pity party but I think it is more of my catholic up bringing coming out lol you know the catholic guilt thing or maybe Italian guilt (thanks Nana for showing me just how to be filled with guilt lol). I had a day that ended by me laying on the floor in the dark listening to worship music and crying...you know that cry that is really bad and from your gut..the kind that you pray NEVER comes out in public?? It was funny later but that night I was serious...sad...felt like a failure as a mother,wife and daughter of God. Silly for me to doubt myself but then again I was about to have my friend come for a "visit" and I was really emotional. Nathan at one point came in our room and left immediately lol then later came and held me for a little and told me that I am doing a great job and that when he married me he was concerned that I would even be able to cook a meal and I am doing way more than he ever thought LOL. Gotta love words from my husband that make me feel better and laugh :) I feel more and more that when I get like that it is because I have neglected my time with God. I feel more at peace and confident in my decisions when I have a daily time with him and to journal. I tend to be a "yes" person and forget that sometimes doing too much is worse than not doing anything at all. I am learning and thankful that I have a husband who pulls me aside and hugs me throughout the day to help calm me down. I recently heard someone call me bossy and at first I was offended BIG time but honestly I used to struggle daily to just get out of bed. I struggled for a long time with severe depression and now I have to force myself to be organized. It does not come natural to me at all (just look at my car which I call Monica's closet). I had to become the mom who puts a reminder in her phone just to remember to get the kids from the bus or my work schedule so I don't forget. So my bossy personality is really just me delegating so that our family of 6 runs smoothly so a BIG THANK YOU to anyone who calls me bossy..way better than LAZY :) My goal this year is to cut myself some slack to not expect things to be perfect and to not compare myself to the mom who makes all her kids clothes, or does amazing projects with her kids, or the mom who volunteers for all school functions....instead I am going to be thankful that my kids have a mom who cares that they feel loved and safe.. and I will try to not forget them at the bus stop lol

Proof Of his love

"If I could speak with inhuman eloquence and angelic ecstasy, but I don't love then I am nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.
If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything as plain as day, and if I say to mountain 'Jump!', and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.
If I give all I earn to the poor, or if I even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't have love I've gotten nowhere."

This gets me at my core... I can not explain what this song does to me every time I hear it! I know I posted this on Facebook a couple days ago but I had to put it here too because it has hit me deep in my heart in a way that sometimes I need to catch my breath. God really is so amazing that he can speak right to me using a song!! Not that long ago I was made aware that there are some people who think that this music is not glorifying God and that those that listen to it are they themselves considered ungodly!! I was shocked by this and actually cried (yes I know I am an emotionally person but that's how God made me :) ) . I cried for anyone who feels that way because music has changed me on so many levels and God has spoken to me so many times through music. Listen to this song, really listen to the words and read the quote above that he speaks in the song! To say you have Christ in you is one thing but NOTHING matters if no matter what we do not love one another. It doesn't mean you give your blessing to things that are wrong but you LOVE no matter what.  I am walking this exact thing right now and it is a struggle but at the end of the day I know that God is working in me and that I am seeking him. In the midst of the storm I am learning to praise God...Now I just wish that my first thought in the beginning of the storm was to praise him...that is a struggle but one I have faith and hope will come!!!

Inspired

I seem to always be inspired to blog when I am doing the Landscaping Billing?? That or it is the only time I have time to sit in front of the computer lately. My mind is all over the place and I have so many things that I feel like God has placed on my heart to blog about.. I know some people who happen to stumble on this blog wonder what I am doing lol me too.  I do not care about grammar, I do not have amazing reviews about products, or am I any kind of writer so what am I doing?? I have used this as a place to put all my thoughts and I really feel like what I am walking through God is going to use to help others. One thing that I have been wanting to blog about is going to take a lot of courage because although I have been forgiven by God and I have forgiven myself there will be some people who read this and judge me. There will also be some people who think I am wrong for saying what I did was wrong but read it and then talk to me privately or publicly because I love a good debate and I never judge those that have a different opinion than my own because this world would suck (that's right I said suck) if we all thought the same way...oh and yes I did as always get permission from my hubby to blog about this.

Growing up I really struggled with making sure I presented myself the right way...in front of my immediate family I was a horrible person my words and anger could cut you deep..I hated myself and everything about myself. I look at pictures now and see this little girl who really was searching for something and she thought it was physical. I thought that I had to give of myself in order to be loved.. this is really hard to admit because lately it has been brought up in different situations but I am reminded that God forgave me and I have dealt with my past. THE hardest thing I ever went through (and I know Nathan too) was that because I didn't love myself enough to respect my body to wait until I was old enough and married to have sex we ended up becoming pregnant..Yes we all know or most of you that I was pregnant when we got married at 19 years old and had a beautiful little girl Jordan!! But this was when we were 16 years old! It was the hardest time of my life and I look back and feel like it was a point that had I known God I know that my decision would have been different because I chose to listen to Doctors and outside sources rather than what my heart was already screaming. I swore I would never have an abortion when I was younger and then I became pregnant at 16. Here is more of a background I was diagnosed with by-polar manic depression when I was young (I think back and realize that was probably just serve depression) and was on a lot of medication to help with that so my doctor said the state she is in she will either kill the baby with the meds or she will kill herself if she goes off the meds. I will never forget that conversation because looking back now it was true I would have killed myself because I had tried numerous times before. I then had a choice and it was mine, either I carried the baby or aborted the baby. I chose to have an abortion. The thing is I really thought it would be better to do that rather than damage the baby with meds and myself as the mother. It was a dark time in my life. That day in November will forever be burned in my heart. I look back at my journals from that time and cry for that young girl. I remember what it felt like inside and outside.I remember the absolute pain inside and outside. I remember what the doctor looked like and how the room smelled. I remember the nurse and how cold she was. I remember the waiting room looking like we were in the 70s and how dark it was in there. I remember the emptiness I felt afterwards and how I felt like I was floating above my own body. I remember and drive by the place everyday on my way to work and I always say a prayer for the young girl who believed a lie and for other girls too. I will never forget what happened that day and how it changed me. I remember the shame I walked away feeling and how I wanted to die.I remember that for weeks and weeks I mourned the baby that would have been inside me. I remember thinking when May came around I would have had a baby and mourned that precious life. I remember them showing me the ultrasound picture afterwards and taking a picture of it with my mind. When I got saved I sobbed I don't think the women there understood why I was crying so hard and it was because I didn't know if God would really accept me if he knew what I did. I spent so much time putting my mask on and to not let people know what I had done that I thought there was no way God knew and if he found out he would leave me...I can not say enough that the opposite happened. I truly found forgiveness,grace and mercy and a freedom I could never explain once I gave this over to God. I am 100% against abortion and I will debate it until I die with whoever feels they have enough guts to do that because I have been there and the lies that are told to women and were told to me are so sad. If you have had an abortion and still think it is ok I am not going to judge you EVER so do not judge me if I believe it is wrong and if you have never had one and want to go head to head with me because I believe it is wrong that's fine too :)  I have had very close people in my life that I love very much ask me to take them for one and I have loved them through it or even helped them change their mind and it was amazing to see God do that. This is how I know that everything that I have been through in my life either because of my own choices or because of what others have done to me it is all to give GOD the glory because there is no way I would be here if it wasn't for HIM!! So for those that didn't know this about me I pray that this doesn't change how you think of me but that you will remember what I said and if you have had one and still struggle with it then there is hope for you too but if you never had one maybe this will help you to have some compassion for someone who has. I know that whenever I open up to other women about this I find at least a handful in a room that tell me they did too...that to me means a lot of women walking around with shame and guilt that God can take care of :)

Let's be real....

So by now even if you are not a close friend or a family member you know that I am an open book..probably too open for some people. I really believe that if you can not be honest with people about your struggles than how will you ever know that you are not alone in what you are going through? I have been praying for a long time that our church would start a group at Awaken for family members of addicts because I just haven't found the support I wanted at Nara-non meetings. I think I have missed the spiritual side to the meetings that I always found at Celebrate Recovery like when someone is really struggling you can all gather around them and pray for them it was huge for me. I loved the relationships I built because of our common struggle and knowing that with Christ all things are possible. So a couple weeks ago when a friend of mine sent me a picture text of the next line up of groups and the type of group I (and some of my friends) had been praying for was one of the groups we were so excited!! I purchased my book right away and have been reading it already and my highlighter is almost dry. The book is written by a recovering addict and it is amazing!  I feel like this group is going to do amazing things for a lot of people who are in my spot right now. It is very hard to be married to an addict you wear a lot of hats and become very good at being the private investigator but all I can say is that I love my husband more than anything in this world and because God has been at the center of everyone of my days I know that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. God is doing amazing things in my life and my husbands life and I feel like there is a reason why we are going through these struggles. I have been feeling lately that God is saying that I need to take this season and listen...learn...and trust him. I believe that no matter what happens God is there and the pretty cool thing is that he has set it all up already. I have never felt closer to God in all of my life. Because I am so open with our struggles I have had lots of people tell me that they too are struggling being married to an addict. I look around and people that I never would have guessed that they were struggling with the same thing I am. I have learned that there are some couples who have to live double lives and that has got to be way harder than what I am going through. I know Nathan doesn't always agree with how open I am but I think it is being true to yourself and allowing God to use you to help other people but also have the potential to learn from others as well. My prayer right now is that anyone else who sees in our church bulletin that the family members of addicts group starts soon will take the step to be part of it and I pray that anyone who reads this who may not go to our church decides to take that same step because I am living proof that being open and allowing God to work in you is by far way better than closing the doors and windows to your heart and home and pretending...

100% Random

If you ever wonder what it would be like to live inside my head (because lets be honest you all are wondering what I am thinking about lol) here it is..

I learned something yesterday that sometimes the plan that you think is for you is really for someone else. Again,not sure if makes sense to you but it really hit me hard. 

Lately I feel like I am living the same day over and over again. I had some really weird dreams last night that made me even more tired than I was and I woke up so upset with myself for smoking again..and then I realized it was just a dream! 

I have hit some pretty cool milestones as a non-smoker. 1. I went on a long walk and did not get short of breath once !! 2. I made it through a life changing moment and didn't even want to pick up a smoke!! 3. I went to a concert and didn't even feel the need to smoke!! 4. I stood by people who were smoking and almost blowing it in my face and I HATED the way it smelled :)!!

I worry that this summer break is going to eat me up and spit me out...a ton going on and not enough time to do it all. 

Will I ever be that person that is ok with saying NO to things. I am better at it but I still feel like I am going to really hurt someones feelings if I say NO!

I am extremely excited for the next group I am signing up for at Awaken on Thursday nights...it is one I prayed for and asked for and God is going to really help a lot of people through it. If you don't already know about Awaken ask me (I know I talk about it enough on FB lol)

I am thankful for an amazing friend who got me a copy of the service this past Sunday on Suffering because I feel like I was changed once I heard it..God is pretty awesome when he does things like that.

God showed me today that sometimes I really to need to shut my mouth because it can get me in trouble and take away from what he may be showing someone (admit it we all do this and if you don't think you do then just ask a friend..a honest one though :) about his grace and mercy and love for their situation

I am really excited that Nathan and I have decided to put our marriage first and spend a little money once a month and go to 1 concert a month this summer (lawn seats a cheap but awesome). 1st concert was Anthem Lights and Newsboys 2nd concert was Third Day and Jars of Clay...3rd one is July 29th Micheal W. Smith and Jeremy Camp and the 4th one will be August 25th Steven Curtis Chapman and Toby Mac!! I am so excited it is the best going to a concert and having church!!! Anyone who wants to go with us send me a message. 

Nathan and I are going to a marriage conference this Friday and two things are exciting about this.. 1. We need it more now than ever to be focusing on our marriage 2. Kirk Cameron will be the speaker and Warren Barfield will be singing 3. The kids are soooo excited to have their favorite baby sitter come over (thanks Ju)!! Ok that was more than 2 but I know I could think of more because whats better than getting a boost of God for our marriage :)

I learned recently that there will always be people out there that think they are better and that a lot of times those people call themselves believers....I think that is ironic...I think that the bible states that we are sinners and no one is better than another person...I have learned a lot this past year that we can not judge anyone and just because I choose to listen to Christian Rock music or read a secular book God still loves me..The amazing thing is that God showed me a huge lesson and that was I can't judge that person for judging me. Confused? Me too! I know I have talked about this before but it is one I struggle with because I tend to be judged a lot (no pity just a statement) and I tend to get really heated about it.

I have really been thinking more and more about working with the youth but not sure how that fits into my life and if it is something that I have to put on the back burner right now.

 

 

I told you random and that isn't even half of it

 

All about Jordan :)

Happy Double Digits!!!
 So here is a post all about my Jordan!! I can not believe that she has turned 10 years old :) I had fun looking for some old pictures of her to post and yes I cried.  
 

LISTEN

So God has been working in me a ton these past couple of weeks...but the question is have I really been listening? It is so hard to completely give things up and when we do we end up wanting to do them our way or think we can do it better. I know I know I am going to talk about smoking again but its what I am going through right now! When I decided I was going to quit it was for a number of reasons but the main one was I felt convicted to quit and I felt like God was saying it was time and to trust him. Each time I picked a cigarette up it was like I was telling God I didn't trust him. So here I am almost 13 days later and I am struggling. I mean it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am still crying (today I called Nathan crying at work thank God he could talk to me and help calm me down) and still filled with anger. I realized last night that I am trying to do this on my own and be perfect at it. I had all this bitterness because I felt like people would judge me if I had just one more when really who cares what people think I am not doing this for anyone but myself and my God. I was writing in my journal last night and it felt good to just put everything on paper, I felt like I was writing a letter to God and just putting it all out there. I feel really blessed to have a husband who can really relate to me and walk along side me with this struggle and not make me feel stupid for how I feel. I have had many people say "get over it already" and all I can say is it is not that easy but I am keeping my eyes on why I am really doing this. Today was a rough day I felt really depressed and not myself at all and I am lucky to work where I do because one of my co-workers gave me a mini massage which was nice and actually helped me :) I realized that there is no way I could have gone through this rough time if I hadn't gone through the past 6 months. It may seem like two totally different things but 6 months ago I would have told you that there was no way I could live with my in-laws again...or handle my husband going to rehab for 3 weeks...or even handle working 4 days a week. Here I am 6 months later and I have done all of those things plus some and gotten through it. God is good all the time not just some of the time or just when we need him to be ALL THE TIME. I feel lucky to serve a God who cares so much about me that no matter what he is there so all I need to do is shut my mouth and LISTEN

A Daily Battle

If this blog seems all over the place and filled with anger its because I have taken the plunge to become a non-smoker once again...I once heard that it can take one person trying to quit 10 times before it actually sticks...This is my 8th! I am not happy at all :( It started because lately I have been really sick of smoking I constantly questioned why I was doing it but at the same time I was smoking more and more which we all knows costs a lot of money that we do not have. How do I justify not being able to buy something for our kids but then would buy a pack of cigarettes ( I am not judging anyone and if you know me you know that I do not judge so if you smoke I am admitting how hard it is). I was sick of the look that I would get from people when they found out I smoked or the tone in their voice when they said "oooohhhhh you smoke? I would never have thought that you of all people would smoke?" what does that even mean? Does it mean that smokers only look like they are 80 years old when they are really 30 or that they have no teeth or a ridiculous cough? My favorite is the comment from people who have never had an issue with any kind of addiction is "Why don't you just quit? It should be easy since you know you could die from it?" This all comes from someone who has never struggled (in their eyes) with any type of addiction which is hard to believe that everyone out there struggles with at least one if not more than one of the following...fast food..chocolate..coffee..pop..candy..tv..gossip..lying or we could go into the addictions that people lower their voices for when they discuss them...stealing..porn..drugs..alcohol..shopping..gambling..and I know some of you are thinking well watching too much TV is going to kill me or shopping a ton isn't going to kill me BUT drinking a ton of Coffee can make your heart race or Spending money all the time on useless things can put your family in debt as much as 100,000.00 of dollars if not more for some people I know. What I mean is don't judge because you really have no idea why someone is doing what they are doing and if they are trying to stop doing it or not. I have struggled for a long time on and off with smoking. I started when I was 13 years old and if I talked to the group of friends who started smoking then (At Skate and Dance on the side of the building) I bet that they have quit probably a long time ago..and the funny thing is I practiced in my bathroom mirror to inhale so I would not look stupid the next time I saw them, talk about wanting to please people. So my journey started last Thursday morning when I had no money and was on day 7 of being really sick and decided I am done. With my bible on my phone I walked out the door and found verses to memorize throughout the day and listened to K-LOVE the whole way to work and prayed. I told Nathan and Jenny to pray for me throughout the day and I made it...then at 6pm I told Nathan to give me a cigarette and he said "NO" lol I then looked at him and through clenched teeth said give...me...a...cigarette..please!! Now May 17th at 6pm was my last cigarette and I want to tell you that I can breath easier and I am happy and feeling great...But I am angry..irritated...still sick and have cried more during this time than in my first trimester of pregnancy!! I feel like I have lost a friend (which I know for someone who doesn't have this struggle will think that is silly), I feel like I have lost the only way I know how to cope with any type of stress at all, and I feel like I have lost something I could control?? Makes no sense when smoking causes your body to feel stressed..I had no control over the fact that it would one day kill me and what type of friend doesn't talk back and gives you premature wrinkles?? All I can say is that it doesn't make sense but it makes sense all at the same time. On another note I have WAY more respect for my husband who is 38+ days clean from drugs!! I will never EVER let anyone say anything (not that anyone has) about his journey with getting clean and say its not that big of a deal because if smoking has done this to me after 17 years I can only imagine what drugs can do to your body after 17 years! All I know is that God is who is getting me through and I am so thankful that he is a God of mercy and grace and forgives me each time I say I want to punch someone in the face ;)

It has been awhile

It has been awhile since I have last blogged and I really miss it. I am realizing that even my journal has been placed on the back burner and I can not do that. I have to remember to take care of myself as well. We are crazy busy from now until July and then from August until middle of September so I need to get used to this. I have picked up more hours at work and it is really hard to get used to that. Having four kids is a full time job so add one extra day and one longer work day into the mix and I am working overtime. I have to say it is a good thing I work at such a great place and for that I feel really blessed. I will post some pictures in the next couple of days of all the kids and their summer activities. Sammy is doing T-ball for the first time and is so cute. Nathan gets to assist and sometimes coach so they are having their male bonding time lol. His last game the other teams coach nicknamed him "the Hoover" because he was sucking up so many of the balls. He is the smallest on the team but so darn cute :) Jordan is doing great in Karate she will be working towards her green belt this next month and we are really proud of her. She loves and is taking it very seriously it helps that her Uncle B is her sensei and I think she loves have a special bond with him and showing him her best :) Mariana will have her first Soccer game of the season tomorrow afternoon and is very excited! Soccer is exactly what she needs to get some of her energy out. I feel like we are being pulled in all directions lately but I know that this will only get crazier when a certain 2 year old gets older and wants an activity of her own. I have been doing a challenge to memorize 2 verses a day and I can not believe I am actually doing it and remembering what I have read. I am not as far as the rest of those who took the challenge because once we got to the verses that were longer I struggled but I would rather take the time than rush and the book of James is probably the best book for me to start it during this time of my life. God is doing amazing things even amidst the hard times and I have to remind myself that he has a plan so much bigger than my own. I am learning that when I am feeling overwhelmed and upset I need to voice my feelings and not push them down and give it to God. For so many years I had the attitude of "why do I have to be the one to change..or its not fair...or I don't care" the funny thing is that I was causing myself more stress and anxiety when I thought that way. I have realized that if I rise above and change my thinking and the way I portray my feelings then everything else around me is so much better. That the people who were causing me stress most of the time end up leaving me alone because they don't like the new me or they see that I am not getting upset so they don't have to either. It is so freeing to be responsible for my own actions and not try to control other people because I can not and why would I want to live my life with a bunch of puppets? One last thing I was in a women's group in the fall and we were reading the book Captivating(which by the way is an amazing book click on the title of the book and it will take you to the amazon page). Well our leader had us write a love letter to God, seal it and stick it in our bibles and promised that God would just lead us to it one day when we needed it. Well so very true because a couple weeks ago I opened my bible and it fell out and I knew I was supposed to read it...I might share it one day but all I can say is that everything I asked for..my heart to be softened..to feel the love from God again...to have peace and joy...has all been happening lately! God is so amazing and I know I always say it but I am in awe of his love for me again and again.

The Challenge

So you all by now know how much I love Anthem Lights and how on fire they are for God! Nathan and I are going to their concert in May, they are opening for the Newsboys and I am really excited for it.
Well one of the band members in Anthem Lights posted that he was starting a Facebook page for other believers that wanted to start memorizing bible verses and its called The Challenge (you can watch the video below). I am so excited to be doing this because not only is it something I need right now but we are starting in the book of James! The first verse is one that I always need to remember but especially now..James 1:1-2 James, a servant of God the Lord Jesus Christ, to the twelve tribes scattered among the nations: Greetings Consider the pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds. That is so cool that Gods word can speak to me in such a way that it feels like he is wrapping his arms around me. Unlike Nathan and his family I did not grow up learning bible verses and ways to help me store them in my heart so when I need them they just flow out. So I am taking on this awesome challenge to store Gods word in my heart. The even cooler thing is that not only is this helping me but if you go on The Challenge++ Facebook or twitter page you will see the hundreds that are also being challenged by this and if I could show you the number of texts and emails I have just received from friends and family that read my post yesterday and are joining in too! God really is amazing!! So Happy Memorizing :)

Feelings...

So I am not sure exactly where I heard this but it stuck with me...we can never trust our feelings because they are just that feelings...Not sure if this hits anyone else or just me? I always went off of my feelings when things were happening in my life. I feel happy so I must be...I am feeling hungry I must want to eat...I feel scared I should run. But there were many times in my life that I felt safe and in reality I wasn't or I felt happy and I was not happy at all. The last couple of weeks I have had to remember this phrase more than ever. Things are hard right now we are learning a new way of life and honestly it is probably the hardest thing I have ever walked through. I am messing up on a daily basis on how to handle things but one thing I know for sure is that Nathan knows I am not perfect just like I know he is not perfect and neither of us claim to be. I struggle with my feelings and letting them dictate how I should be in my life. I have a choice if I want to be angry just because something that is said makes me feel that way or I have a choice to have a pity party for myself just because I feel sad about something. I am an emotional person on sooo many levels and at times I think I have let that stop me from doing certain things because I am afraid of my FEELINGS getting hurt or FEELING rejection or FEELING alone. See the pattern?? I know that this time is a time of growing in my faith and my love with my husband and learning about myself on a level I always dreamed of and who said that trials are easy? To grow means growing pains and this is a time of major growth for us and I am going to just continue to give it to God and when I mess up give it to God again. I love the alone time with God even it is in the middle of the night when I can't sleep :)

Time Flies...

While getting pictures for a family tree project for Mariana I came across some old pics of the kids!! I can not believe how fast time flies :)

New way of life

So I figured I should probably blog a little more considering I left last nights blog pretty open :)
I first have to say that I have prayed about writing about this for two months first because I wanted to make sure my motives were right and because this is my story but it involves my husband who needed to be ready to let this out. I will get to the reason why I felt I needed to get this out in the open more later...
The first week of January was the hardest of my life I cried all night every night and then had to take care of 4 kids on my own. We are living with his parents but I do my best to make sure they do not feel like babysitters in their own home. I had to work and to top it off Jordan was starting Karate in my brothers new Dojo and the kids were starting a new school! I had a lot on my plate and only a few people I could talk to. I also want those of you that are in my life who did not know about this please understand that I had to process how I was going to handle my decisions without any input from what people think I should do even if they meant well. I had so many people who did know that felt they could tell me how to be or say things like "it will be a piece of cake". Now I know that people say things like that when they don't know what else to say but at the time it is not what I needed to hear. Yes, my husband had just spent months (even years) lying to me and those first couple of days I continued to learn about new things but that doesn't mean that I didn't feel alone and sad and missing him. I kept praying to God asking him to show me what I needed to change in myself, what was I doing wrong in our relationship? because I have learned that when we open our eyes and allow God to show us what is wrong with ourselves than literally everything else falls into place. I know that there will be people reading this and thinking you are delusional to think you were in the wrong but I am not perfect and did things too. God started showing me where I was trying to control everything in our marriage because I was afraid of something happening and look what happened the exact thing I feared so I wasn't doing anything but harming our marriage more. I asked God to reveal everything to me so that when Nathan came home or when I talked to him I would not be angry because really he was there to get recovered and he didn't need to come home to someone who was angry and throwing everything in his face. So the lesson was when you ask God and are serious be prepared for what will happen lol. I started learning things that I was shocked about but instead of getting angry I cried and gave it to God right away and instantly I felt forgiveness for my husband. I kept telling my friend it was a good thing he couldn't talk to me because I need time to process all of it. It was amazing when 4 days later he called me and all I could do was cry and tell him how proud I was of him. He said he wanted to stay but that he would need to pay 1250.00 and they needed it by the next day! I immediately gave it to God because I knew that God put him there so I knew that God would provide. Within hours we had all the money that was needed from family and friends and I did not ask one of them for the money. I sent a text out asking for prayer that another route would work and the floodgates opened for Nathan. It was amazing!
After he was there for a week I was able to go and visit him and the night before I prayed that God would allow me to fall in love with my husband all over again to see him with new eyes and a new heart. I knew that if this marriage was going to work I had to lay my pride down and allow God to show me how to love again no matter what. After all a marriage is through good times and bad times and I meant that. When I got there I was in shock you can't bring anything in no candy, no phones, no drinks, and no magazines. I couldn't believe how many families were in the chapel waiting to see their loved ones about 50! I couldn't believe how many other wives were going through the same thing I was and for some longer than I was. I was shaking not sure how to act or if I should ask questions. We had to listen to a speaker about our loved ones disease and it was the best 2 hours learning all the good and bad things to expect.
When Nathan walked in the chapel it was the best feeling ever even if he looked like death lol. He had finally stopped having the painful withdrawals but he was smiling...I mean really smiling...a smile I hadn't seen in years!! I couldn't believe the way his eyes looked amazing and here I was falling in love with my husband all over again in the rehab chapel. We talked and talked and talked...it was amazing but hard to leave. He told me he hated it there and even tried to tell me he had no friends but amazingly introduced me to a lot of guys who kept saying how awesome he was :) I left there on cloud nine but realized I needed to seek help for myself too.
So I started researching Nar-Anon meetings and was surprised that there were not many places for spouses of addicts to attend so I went to an Ala-Non meeting and left there feeling like it was a dump fest. I kept seeking God and asking him where I needed to go to learn more about what my husband was going through now and what to expect when he came home. Through all of this I had a chain of people praying for us and I could feel the prayers it really was what got me through each day. I would call my mom at night crying because the kids were bad but through it all I had a peace.
That following Thursday Nathan said he wanted to stay so once again I prayed that the finances would work out and again I was amazed that another 1250.00 was donated for him to stay. His friend who years before had gone to the same rehab was a source of encouragement for me as well. See he was there years before so he knew what Nathan was going through but his fiance was also an addict who ended up dying so he knew where I was coming from too. It was a new way of life for me, a path I had never been on and wanted to do things right in Gods eyes. That weekend came fast and I got an unexpected call from Nathan saying he was ready to come home and for me to pick him up the next day instead of coming to visit. I was sucked into his excuses and said yes! Immediately when we hung up I was sick to my stomach and started praying. I knew that if I went there to get him he would come home and start right back up but I also knew that if I didn't show up that he would feel alone and rejected. I was so torn and started asking a friend for prayer. She talked to me through the night telling me that God knew what needed to be done and I needed to seek him to guide me through and everything else would work out. I spent that Sunday at church with my stomach in knots. After the service my best friend prayed with me and I felt God holding me and giving me strength. I then picked the kids up in their church and dropped them off at the families homes that were watching them and started my hour to two hour trip to the rehab. His friend talked to me the whole way telling me I could either not go and that was my right or I could go tell him that he was not coming home with me and we could enjoy our visit or I would leave him there and get him that Thursday as planned. It was the hardest decision I had to make. The whole 2 hours in the class in the chapel I prayed to God and repeated in my weakness you are strong. There was an older man there visiting his son and I told him what was going on and he took me under his wing and told me to be strong and encouraged me. I am crying typing this because it was like God was there telling me it would be okay and he would give me the strength. One of the counselors came to me and said I didn't need to be there because I was taking Nathan home and with strength that is only from God I said "I am not taking him home I don't think he is ready and he will be so proud of himself for completing this" she was shocked. Her and another woman looked at each other and said "No one has ever done this" and gave me a big hug. See God was placing all of these people in my path to give me strength.
When Nathan came in the chapel two hours later he was MAD! Who wouldn't be thinking they were going home probably telling everyone they were and waiting only to find out you had to stay. He said to me that he was leaving no matter what and I told him he would have to walk home. He then told me that if I left he would leave me (now don't judge because you have no idea what the addiction was doing to him for him to make a comment like that) I stood up to leave and said "if you mean that then fine" He realized in that moment I was serious and said "stay"! I then started praying and telling him that he needed to do this for himself and to fight for our family and his life. By the end of the two hours he was smiling and laughing (though admitting he felt forced to stay) and at least 5 guys came up to him saying how they were glad he was staying.
I left there feeling in awe of the God I serve, he loves us both so much that he worked it all out and all for his glory. God did some amazing things in those three weeks that Nathan was there but there is so much more to this story. It is those families that I met and the stories that I heard and the people I met at families anonymous meetings that has made me want to write this. We really have no idea how many people rich, poor, white, black, atheist, christian, educated and non educated that are struggling with this evil thing we call addiction. I learned in those meetings that my husband is extremely brilliant but that he has used his talents for so long to get drugs but now he is learning to his is talents for God! I learned that I am not alone in this struggle to help my loved one. I learned that it is not my journey to walk but my husbands. I can not control anything that he does or does not do. I learned that when I place all of my trust in God and God only then everything falls into place. I also learned that the picture of perfect in my head is not the picture of perfect in Gods head and now that I am seeing Gods plans I love his picture so much more. I also learned I do not have a place in my life for those that have hateful or hurtful things to say about anything I or Nathan have done in our lives because if we all look in the mirror and wipe the steam away we will see an imperfect person. I don't have all the knowledge about living with a now recovering addict but I do know that what I have walked through can be an encouragement to someone else. That is why I am telling this story now:)

New Years Eve 2011

Before I go any further I want to first say that my husband has given me permission to write this blog and the future ones on this topic and I have prayed about what I should say. I feel like God has done some amazing things in me, my marriage and my relationship with God that I know that by sharing it with others it could be not only an encouragement but a way for people to continue to pray for us. Also if you are offended or have any questions at all please email me or call me if you know my number and we can talk rather than talking to other people who do not know what may be going on...

As some may know last October we moved from our Rental house to Nathans parents house because he had not been doing that great at Saab for months and we just couldn't make it work anymore so it was a hard decision to make but we knew it was the best one and we were so thankful that his parents were willing to allow us and the 4 kids to invade their home. About a week later I found our that the reason we were unable to make things work was because Nathan had relapsed for months! If you didn't know now you do that for years Nathan has struggled with prescription drug use his drug of choice started with Vicodin and about three years ago he added Adderall to that list. I was shocked but we have gone through this time and time again and 3 years ago I made the decision to be married to an addict and that meant that there would be the possibility for relapse. So we pushed through he started going to Awaken (our church's Thursday night service) with me again and attending the substance abuse group. He got a new job at Ford and things looked up. I started feeling like I really needed to seek God more and felt like a change was going to happen I even blogged about it. I started journaling again and was in a great group at church which included reading the book Captivating by Staci and John Eldridge. My goal was to feel Loved by God again at the end of the 12 week class! The group ended on December 22nd and my relationship with God was changed completely. I felt not only Gods love again but I even had conquered some fears of mine about some people in my life judging me for the things I done in my past and God got me through it.
So to bring you to New Years Eve 2011 which at the time seemed like the worst night of my life but hinds sight is 20/20 and now it is the best night of my life and I am certain of Nathans life.
Nathan came to me that night after dinner while we were outside and said we need to talk...if you are a wife of an addict you know that this means something BIG. So because I never know how to handle myself in these situations I laughed and said "what now?". Nathan then told me that he relapsed again but he was not only using Vicodin but Adderall and Xanax and was leaving for rehab the next day! I think I said every cuss word known to man kind and even probably made some of my own up and then laughed. To say I was mad was an understatement. I felt like really I am going through this again and he gets to leave me with four kids at HIS parents house while he goes to rehab and sleep his withdrawals off? NO (not what I said I am toning it down)! I wanted to run away and didn't talk to him most of the night. THEN we go to church the next day and of course God works in mysterious ways and I was convicted by the sermon in so many ways. How could I be angry with Nathan when all he was trying to do was seek help for his addiction (btw it was the first time in 17 years of drug use he has never seeked inpatient help before). I realized that in those 24 hours I had become every other person in his life that judged him and said "you messed up I am done with you" and I knew that God wanted much more from me as his daughter and as Nathans wife. So on our way home I told him I would take him that night to rehab. It was the hardest New Years day because his parents had their annual party with friends and family and that was the last thing I wanted to do was put on a fake smile for everyone. The whole day was spent praying mentally for God to give me the strength. Later we pulled his brother and sister in-law into the office to tell them what was going on and to pray. This was hard for Nathan because it was his first time really admitting to someone that he needed help. I felt Gods presence in the room while we prayed and I believe that the prayers we said in the office that night got Nathan through the next couple of hours. He felt loved and that encouraged him to gather the strength that God had for him and follow through with his decision. I then had to seek God for the strength because on our way to the rehab which is over an hour away we started to get a bad snow storm and then he couldn't get through to the rehab. We almost went home but I started praying that God would prepare his room and the people who would be helping him. We prayed the entire time and listened to christian music. We got there and they only took him because we were paying cash. When we sat down to talk to someone I was in shock at how non-judgmental and encouraging they were to Nathan and me. I will never forget one man telling me that he never got clean when his family was working harder than he was to stay clean! That was a big wake up call for me, I needed to release the control and let Nathan and God work on his sobriety. I then had to say goodbye to him and didn't know when I would see or talk to him again. I prayed the whole way home and asked God to give me the strength to talk to our kids (who earlier in the evening who told them that since daddy lost his job he would go somewhere to get better so he could find another job) who were understandably very upset at home. I stayed up all night praying (after having a slumber party with all four kids in our room lol) and journal to God. That night was the first of many nights where I prayed through the night and listened to worship music. It was the only thing that got me through the days that followed. I have so much more to tell but already this is the longest blog ever lol
All I can say to leave whoever is reading this is that GOD is real and I know that without him not only would my marriage be dead but by husband would be too. There are so many people that have come along side us to pray and I am eternally grateful for them especially those that helped me in the middle of the night on many occasion and you know who your lovely ladies are :) God knew what he was doing when he placed the women in my life and I thank him every day for them :)

A-M-A-Z-I-N-G

This song is absolutely amazing!! Every time I hear it on the radio I am brought to tears and goosebumps. When I found this version on I was amazed even more to see so many people in the crowd worshiping our God!! Shortest blog ever but the words to this song say exactly how I feel......

One day at a time

This is something that I have been telling myself for about the last 2 months (probably longer but really living it now) and it has helped me become much calmer. God is revealing things daily on how i need to live and it is becoming easier to follow his will which most of the time means that the situation has not changed but my view has. I was told by a counselor a couple years ago that as long as I have one arm out and the other up my life will be complete, meaning that if I am always reaching for God and others than everything will be worked out for myself. I have to say that the last 2 months have proven that piece of advice more than any other advice I have ever received. This past Sundays sermon at church really convicted me..one part in particular which is that my body is the temple and what ever goes in needs to be worthy of that. It is a hard thing to think about because I have done some cleaning the last couple of of months but there is so much more that I know I need to be doing. The awesome thing is that I serve a God that loves me through it, he doesn't expect me to be perfect but as long as I am seeking him than he gives me the strength I need DAILY to get through my struggles! I was made aware twice the last two weeks how the things that Nathan and I have walked through have spoken to other people to better their lives and I totally (whether they do or not) believe that God is in all of that. Again I say I will tell more about the things we have been going through when I have the time to sit down and type it all out but not one second goes by that I do not regret the decisions I have made the last couple of weeks and not a second goes by that I am not giving God the GLORY for what he has done not only in me but my husband and our marriage.
On another note we have lots planned for the next couple of weeks..This weekend is a night at the Bavarian Inn in Frankenmuth (all the thanks to Nana and Papa S. for giving a night there to everyone for Christmas) we get to go with Nikkie and her family and Joe and Erin (Jessica and Matt will be missed). The kids are so excited and so are we! Then Sunday on our way home we are stopping by Nana and Papa T.'s house for some pasta!! Then Tuesday next week is a huge thing that I am doing for myself that I have wanted to for so long...more on that next week :). Hope everyone has a great week!

Playdough

I am still so thankful for the time that I worked at Handprints CELC at our church because I have taken the things I have learned there as a teacher and used them with my own kids. Today after work (only had to go in for a half day) and came home to make homemade play dough! We had so much fun and it took all of 15 minutes to make 4 different batches.
Purple for Isabell

Blue for Sammy

Pink for Mariana

Green for Jordan


Here is the recipe if anyone wants to try to make it too!
1 c. flour
2 tsp. cream of tarter
2 tbsp. vegetable oil
1 c. water
1 drop food coloring (or a whole bottle according to Jordan lol)
1/2 cup salt

Mix dry ingredients thoroughly. Add food coloring, oil and water into dry ingredients. Stir over medium heat for several minutes until mixture forms a ball. Let it cool then knead until smooth. Store in airtight container. Play-dough will keep for 4-6 weeks and lose its greasiness after the first or second use.

We are all alike

While watching Jordan at Karate today (Traditional Karate in New Baltimore if you are interested my baby bro is the sensei) I was talking with a mom..Ok so I wasnt watching Jordan I was socializing but after working on fixing a mistake at work that took me 7 hours I needed some adult interaction :). I realized that we are all alike...Moms I mean. I have all this guilt all the time about if I am ruining my kids, My life is my kids life (back and forth to school, homework, after school activities and so on and so on), being a working mom, not reading to my kids enough I could go on and on. Some days I want to pull the covers over my head and sleep the day away but then I feel guilty for feeling that way. As a mom when you complain people always put their two sense in they say "It will go by quickly enjoy it now", "Do you know how lucky you are", "why did you have so many then" and this is my favorite "You shouldn't do so much then it really is your fault". In my head I am smaking them (yes I did just say that) but on the outside I am smiling. Then of course you have the moms who do everything bake all day, take their kids and their kids friends to activities, work, have playdates and all while doing laundry, running errands and bringing meals to people. I feel like so often as moms we feel like we cant voice what we are going through becuase we will feel like others will think we are failing. I realized today that is not true. After talking with this mom we both felt so much better she even said "I feel bad saying this because other moms would judge me". Why cant we all just allow each other to open up and not judge each other we judge ourselves enough right? not sure if this makes sense to other moms out there but it felt good to write it out :)

10 years

So it is 10 years today for us!! I can not believe how fast this decade has gone by...I guess having four kids in 10 years makes things go by pretty fast lol. This has been one heck of a ride so far and all I can say is that I would do everything the same. I know that our marriage is not perfect but if you think yours is than you really need to go to God for that. It is the struggles that make us stronger as long as we seek God in the midst of them. I have learned more about myself and my husband in these last 10 years..
1. I am a strong Italian woman that tends to be more independent so much that it drives Nathan crazy
2. He honestly does not see the dishes in the sink
3. He is only good at grilling which is good because I am only good at cooking indoors...the kids love to point these two things out :)
4. I love being a back seat driver sometimes I do not know I am doing it...other times I am doing it on purpose
5. He has amazing eyes that I can get lost in but forgot about it for awhile because I didn't stop long enough to look in them.
6. He has an amazing heart that when he opens up I loose mine more and more
7. He is an amazing father...like one that I always prayed my kids would have and I am so proud of him for that
8. He is really really good at playing video games ;)
9. I realize more and more that God placed us in the same spot 14 years ago for a reason. We are part of his magnificent plan and I am forever grateful for that day...one that I may have to share one day

I could go on and on but right now we are going out to lunch :) I know one thing for sure I am looking forward to not just the next 10 years but the next 50 with my husband and best friend.

Life worth living

So I will be 30 in exactly 5 days 9 hours and 32 minutes!!! Crazy how a couple years ago I thought people who were 30 looked old lol now people who are 30 are really young :) I have had a list of things I wanted to do before I was 30 and not one thing is really crossed off that list. I mean I have done lots of things in these last 10 years that I am really proud of most importantly being married and having 4 beautiful kids! I am speaking of small things that I have always wanted to do but always seem to chicken out. But I am taking a deep breath and I am determined that at the end of my birthday month (that's right I celebrate the month minus the 9th which is Mariana's bday and the 15th which is my mother in laws bday) I will post the first thing that will be crossed off my list!! So excited and nervous all at the same time!! and like my cousin Kim said I will be 30 the whole year so I have exactly 372 days 9 hours 24 minutes and 35 seconds to cross things off my list!

White as Snow

I am amazed at how fitting it is that we have lots of snow today! It is like in Isaiah 1:18 "Come now, let us argue this out," says the LORD. "No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can remove it. I can make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you as white as wool." This verse is exactly what I needed today along with this snow. Today is a new day one that is going to be remembered on the calendar as the day that our lives took a shift for the better. I know God has amazing plans and he is going to do amazing things with our family. These last couple of weeks I have become closer to God than I ever thought possible. It took something happening for me to open my heart completely to God and tell him whatever it took I would be willing. It has been really hard but I am learning to take all my thoughts captive and allowing God to change and mold me into what I am supposed to be. I am in awe once again at what he has done in me and what I know he will continue to do. I feel so blessed that I serve a loving God that loves me so much that he takes his time with me and shows me things they way I need to see them to understand. God doesn't show anyone something the same way because he knows us better than we know our selves if that sentence even makes sense to me it does lol. I am learning so much about who I am and who I want to be that it is only God in me working that can explain it. I am praying today that as I take this step I remember that "in my weakness he is strong".
I am so happy all of this is happening before my BIG 3-0 in 18 days!!!!!

Playtime

My son is so smart it cracks me up. I was making lunch and he starts telling me how he loves all of his old junky matchbox cars because they are so fun to play with. After lunch he asks me to play with him so he gets out all of his cars. He starts setting up all the cars and tells me in such a sweet voice "Here mommy I will let you play with the junky ones..remember those are my favorite"!

Can't Shut Up

I know I post all the time about music but today it is what is getting me through the tough stuff!! So I am all about listen to Anthem Lights again!! I know boy band but they are all about Christ and spreading the word of God to those that need it and those that need the encouragement and each song either brings me to tears, raising praise to God or wanting to jump around and that is all the things I need today!! So here is their song Can't Shut Up Last night was Jordan's first sleepover and if you know me and my past then you know for me to allow that is huge!! It was all God that I did not freak and call every couple hours to see if she is ok..it helped that the P family is so amazing :) So because Jordan was there I decided to do something special with Mariana and we decided to go on a date. Nathan usually does the dates with the girls so I have never done just one of them and myself that didn't include shopping of some type. So I told her we could go to a real restaurant for dessert. My mom watched Sam and Issy for me and off we went to IHOP lol. We had a great waiter who I think was amazed at my Mariana's manners :) we bother ordered and when the bill came i saw kids eat free! We had a blast talking and drawing and talking and talking and talking (talking is what you do best if your name is Mariana). Then when we left she had a giggle fit and told me this was the best day of her whole life except when she goes to church because that is all about Jesus! She is so precious and I was so thankful to have that time. When we came home Sam, Mariana and I had a coloring contest and a little sleepover of our own! When we said our prayers Mariana thanked God for giving us enough money to have a date and for the waiter giving kids their food for free ;) I believe that God has prepared me and my kids for what we are walking through right now and even though I am sad at times I am in awe of what God does for me...again I say it ME!! Today was a bunch of up and down emotions when finally I got the kids their lunch and sat down by myself and just prayed and wrote. I feel like this time we are walking through is going to be what makes the rest of our lives and teaches us that praising God in the storm is soooo worth it. I can not believe that in just a little over a month Nathan and I will be married for 10 years! That is huge and I am excited to celebrate that with him and I am very aware that if it were not for God in our life than we would not be married again. I have some people right now that you might want to call haters lol but I am going to push them to the side and take all my thoughts captive and give them to GOD.

New Year...New beginnings...New School

Yesterday was the girls first day at their new school. I left work to pick them up and take them to karate. Jordan had a very hard day :( she cried the whole way to karate. She said that her teacher kept asking her if she knew things and she didn't so she felt very embarrassed. She said that she played at recess by herself. I cried (although I tried not to) but I told her that sometimes kids her age are scared to ask someone new to play with them because what if she said no? I told her that we will just keep praying and in a couple days things will be better. Once we left karate she had her confidence back and was smiling and happy!
Mariana on the other hand met two friends and loves her class! She said that no one played with her right away at recess but once she ran around a little some little girls came up to her to play :)
There are a lot of things happening in our lives right now and although I am usually an open book right now I am learning to keep my mouth shut :) So I am leaning into God more than ever right now and it is amazing at the things he is doing through others. The girls needed school supplies and two family members helped out with that and we were able to get some food from our church which was a huge help. That night Mariana said her prayers and thanked God for her two aunties that gave us money for supplies and for our church so we could have some food. I love that my kids understand that it is God who is really providing things and I pray that through their eyes I am able to remain thankful and see Gods love too! Childlike faith is amazing!!
A friend of mine said that when her son was having trouble at recess she told him to talk to God as his friend so I passed that on to Jordan this morning and I am going to pray extra hard for her today.
This morning when I dropped them off Marianas new little friend passed me a note and it was an invitation for Mariana to go to Church with her!! I think that this little friend is perfect for Mariana because they are both good little witnesses :)
So this first week of the new year has been one of the toughest of my life it has also been one of the best. It is only because of God that I am able to have the peace and joy that I have right now. GOD IS SO GOOD!!

Sammy's Prayer

Last night while putting Sammy to sleep he wanted to pray..So I started praying for everyone in our family and then he says" and for Daddy and China"! So I guess Jesus put the all of China on Sammy's Heart <3