Saturday, March 17, 2012
Time Flies...
While getting pictures for a family tree project for Mariana I came across some old pics of the kids!! I can not believe how fast time flies :)
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
New way of life
So I figured I should probably blog a little more considering I left last nights blog pretty open :)
I first have to say that I have prayed about writing about this for two months first because I wanted to make sure my motives were right and because this is my story but it involves my husband who needed to be ready to let this out. I will get to the reason why I felt I needed to get this out in the open more later...
The first week of January was the hardest of my life I cried all night every night and then had to take care of 4 kids on my own. We are living with his parents but I do my best to make sure they do not feel like babysitters in their own home. I had to work and to top it off Jordan was starting Karate in my brothers new Dojo and the kids were starting a new school! I had a lot on my plate and only a few people I could talk to. I also want those of you that are in my life who did not know about this please understand that I had to process how I was going to handle my decisions without any input from what people think I should do even if they meant well. I had so many people who did know that felt they could tell me how to be or say things like "it will be a piece of cake". Now I know that people say things like that when they don't know what else to say but at the time it is not what I needed to hear. Yes, my husband had just spent months (even years) lying to me and those first couple of days I continued to learn about new things but that doesn't mean that I didn't feel alone and sad and missing him. I kept praying to God asking him to show me what I needed to change in myself, what was I doing wrong in our relationship? because I have learned that when we open our eyes and allow God to show us what is wrong with ourselves than literally everything else falls into place. I know that there will be people reading this and thinking you are delusional to think you were in the wrong but I am not perfect and did things too. God started showing me where I was trying to control everything in our marriage because I was afraid of something happening and look what happened the exact thing I feared so I wasn't doing anything but harming our marriage more. I asked God to reveal everything to me so that when Nathan came home or when I talked to him I would not be angry because really he was there to get recovered and he didn't need to come home to someone who was angry and throwing everything in his face. So the lesson was when you ask God and are serious be prepared for what will happen lol. I started learning things that I was shocked about but instead of getting angry I cried and gave it to God right away and instantly I felt forgiveness for my husband. I kept telling my friend it was a good thing he couldn't talk to me because I need time to process all of it. It was amazing when 4 days later he called me and all I could do was cry and tell him how proud I was of him. He said he wanted to stay but that he would need to pay 1250.00 and they needed it by the next day! I immediately gave it to God because I knew that God put him there so I knew that God would provide. Within hours we had all the money that was needed from family and friends and I did not ask one of them for the money. I sent a text out asking for prayer that another route would work and the floodgates opened for Nathan. It was amazing!
After he was there for a week I was able to go and visit him and the night before I prayed that God would allow me to fall in love with my husband all over again to see him with new eyes and a new heart. I knew that if this marriage was going to work I had to lay my pride down and allow God to show me how to love again no matter what. After all a marriage is through good times and bad times and I meant that. When I got there I was in shock you can't bring anything in no candy, no phones, no drinks, and no magazines. I couldn't believe how many families were in the chapel waiting to see their loved ones about 50! I couldn't believe how many other wives were going through the same thing I was and for some longer than I was. I was shaking not sure how to act or if I should ask questions. We had to listen to a speaker about our loved ones disease and it was the best 2 hours learning all the good and bad things to expect.
When Nathan walked in the chapel it was the best feeling ever even if he looked like death lol. He had finally stopped having the painful withdrawals but he was smiling...I mean really smiling...a smile I hadn't seen in years!! I couldn't believe the way his eyes looked amazing and here I was falling in love with my husband all over again in the rehab chapel. We talked and talked and talked...it was amazing but hard to leave. He told me he hated it there and even tried to tell me he had no friends but amazingly introduced me to a lot of guys who kept saying how awesome he was :) I left there on cloud nine but realized I needed to seek help for myself too.
So I started researching Nar-Anon meetings and was surprised that there were not many places for spouses of addicts to attend so I went to an Ala-Non meeting and left there feeling like it was a dump fest. I kept seeking God and asking him where I needed to go to learn more about what my husband was going through now and what to expect when he came home. Through all of this I had a chain of people praying for us and I could feel the prayers it really was what got me through each day. I would call my mom at night crying because the kids were bad but through it all I had a peace.
That following Thursday Nathan said he wanted to stay so once again I prayed that the finances would work out and again I was amazed that another 1250.00 was donated for him to stay. His friend who years before had gone to the same rehab was a source of encouragement for me as well. See he was there years before so he knew what Nathan was going through but his fiance was also an addict who ended up dying so he knew where I was coming from too. It was a new way of life for me, a path I had never been on and wanted to do things right in Gods eyes. That weekend came fast and I got an unexpected call from Nathan saying he was ready to come home and for me to pick him up the next day instead of coming to visit. I was sucked into his excuses and said yes! Immediately when we hung up I was sick to my stomach and started praying. I knew that if I went there to get him he would come home and start right back up but I also knew that if I didn't show up that he would feel alone and rejected. I was so torn and started asking a friend for prayer. She talked to me through the night telling me that God knew what needed to be done and I needed to seek him to guide me through and everything else would work out. I spent that Sunday at church with my stomach in knots. After the service my best friend prayed with me and I felt God holding me and giving me strength. I then picked the kids up in their church and dropped them off at the families homes that were watching them and started my hour to two hour trip to the rehab. His friend talked to me the whole way telling me I could either not go and that was my right or I could go tell him that he was not coming home with me and we could enjoy our visit or I would leave him there and get him that Thursday as planned. It was the hardest decision I had to make. The whole 2 hours in the class in the chapel I prayed to God and repeated in my weakness you are strong. There was an older man there visiting his son and I told him what was going on and he took me under his wing and told me to be strong and encouraged me. I am crying typing this because it was like God was there telling me it would be okay and he would give me the strength. One of the counselors came to me and said I didn't need to be there because I was taking Nathan home and with strength that is only from God I said "I am not taking him home I don't think he is ready and he will be so proud of himself for completing this" she was shocked. Her and another woman looked at each other and said "No one has ever done this" and gave me a big hug. See God was placing all of these people in my path to give me strength.
When Nathan came in the chapel two hours later he was MAD! Who wouldn't be thinking they were going home probably telling everyone they were and waiting only to find out you had to stay. He said to me that he was leaving no matter what and I told him he would have to walk home. He then told me that if I left he would leave me (now don't judge because you have no idea what the addiction was doing to him for him to make a comment like that) I stood up to leave and said "if you mean that then fine" He realized in that moment I was serious and said "stay"! I then started praying and telling him that he needed to do this for himself and to fight for our family and his life. By the end of the two hours he was smiling and laughing (though admitting he felt forced to stay) and at least 5 guys came up to him saying how they were glad he was staying.
I left there feeling in awe of the God I serve, he loves us both so much that he worked it all out and all for his glory. God did some amazing things in those three weeks that Nathan was there but there is so much more to this story. It is those families that I met and the stories that I heard and the people I met at families anonymous meetings that has made me want to write this. We really have no idea how many people rich, poor, white, black, atheist, christian, educated and non educated that are struggling with this evil thing we call addiction. I learned in those meetings that my husband is extremely brilliant but that he has used his talents for so long to get drugs but now he is learning to his is talents for God! I learned that I am not alone in this struggle to help my loved one. I learned that it is not my journey to walk but my husbands. I can not control anything that he does or does not do. I learned that when I place all of my trust in God and God only then everything falls into place. I also learned that the picture of perfect in my head is not the picture of perfect in Gods head and now that I am seeing Gods plans I love his picture so much more. I also learned I do not have a place in my life for those that have hateful or hurtful things to say about anything I or Nathan have done in our lives because if we all look in the mirror and wipe the steam away we will see an imperfect person. I don't have all the knowledge about living with a now recovering addict but I do know that what I have walked through can be an encouragement to someone else. That is why I am telling this story now:)
I first have to say that I have prayed about writing about this for two months first because I wanted to make sure my motives were right and because this is my story but it involves my husband who needed to be ready to let this out. I will get to the reason why I felt I needed to get this out in the open more later...
The first week of January was the hardest of my life I cried all night every night and then had to take care of 4 kids on my own. We are living with his parents but I do my best to make sure they do not feel like babysitters in their own home. I had to work and to top it off Jordan was starting Karate in my brothers new Dojo and the kids were starting a new school! I had a lot on my plate and only a few people I could talk to. I also want those of you that are in my life who did not know about this please understand that I had to process how I was going to handle my decisions without any input from what people think I should do even if they meant well. I had so many people who did know that felt they could tell me how to be or say things like "it will be a piece of cake". Now I know that people say things like that when they don't know what else to say but at the time it is not what I needed to hear. Yes, my husband had just spent months (even years) lying to me and those first couple of days I continued to learn about new things but that doesn't mean that I didn't feel alone and sad and missing him. I kept praying to God asking him to show me what I needed to change in myself, what was I doing wrong in our relationship? because I have learned that when we open our eyes and allow God to show us what is wrong with ourselves than literally everything else falls into place. I know that there will be people reading this and thinking you are delusional to think you were in the wrong but I am not perfect and did things too. God started showing me where I was trying to control everything in our marriage because I was afraid of something happening and look what happened the exact thing I feared so I wasn't doing anything but harming our marriage more. I asked God to reveal everything to me so that when Nathan came home or when I talked to him I would not be angry because really he was there to get recovered and he didn't need to come home to someone who was angry and throwing everything in his face. So the lesson was when you ask God and are serious be prepared for what will happen lol. I started learning things that I was shocked about but instead of getting angry I cried and gave it to God right away and instantly I felt forgiveness for my husband. I kept telling my friend it was a good thing he couldn't talk to me because I need time to process all of it. It was amazing when 4 days later he called me and all I could do was cry and tell him how proud I was of him. He said he wanted to stay but that he would need to pay 1250.00 and they needed it by the next day! I immediately gave it to God because I knew that God put him there so I knew that God would provide. Within hours we had all the money that was needed from family and friends and I did not ask one of them for the money. I sent a text out asking for prayer that another route would work and the floodgates opened for Nathan. It was amazing!
After he was there for a week I was able to go and visit him and the night before I prayed that God would allow me to fall in love with my husband all over again to see him with new eyes and a new heart. I knew that if this marriage was going to work I had to lay my pride down and allow God to show me how to love again no matter what. After all a marriage is through good times and bad times and I meant that. When I got there I was in shock you can't bring anything in no candy, no phones, no drinks, and no magazines. I couldn't believe how many families were in the chapel waiting to see their loved ones about 50! I couldn't believe how many other wives were going through the same thing I was and for some longer than I was. I was shaking not sure how to act or if I should ask questions. We had to listen to a speaker about our loved ones disease and it was the best 2 hours learning all the good and bad things to expect.
When Nathan walked in the chapel it was the best feeling ever even if he looked like death lol. He had finally stopped having the painful withdrawals but he was smiling...I mean really smiling...a smile I hadn't seen in years!! I couldn't believe the way his eyes looked amazing and here I was falling in love with my husband all over again in the rehab chapel. We talked and talked and talked...it was amazing but hard to leave. He told me he hated it there and even tried to tell me he had no friends but amazingly introduced me to a lot of guys who kept saying how awesome he was :) I left there on cloud nine but realized I needed to seek help for myself too.
So I started researching Nar-Anon meetings and was surprised that there were not many places for spouses of addicts to attend so I went to an Ala-Non meeting and left there feeling like it was a dump fest. I kept seeking God and asking him where I needed to go to learn more about what my husband was going through now and what to expect when he came home. Through all of this I had a chain of people praying for us and I could feel the prayers it really was what got me through each day. I would call my mom at night crying because the kids were bad but through it all I had a peace.
That following Thursday Nathan said he wanted to stay so once again I prayed that the finances would work out and again I was amazed that another 1250.00 was donated for him to stay. His friend who years before had gone to the same rehab was a source of encouragement for me as well. See he was there years before so he knew what Nathan was going through but his fiance was also an addict who ended up dying so he knew where I was coming from too. It was a new way of life for me, a path I had never been on and wanted to do things right in Gods eyes. That weekend came fast and I got an unexpected call from Nathan saying he was ready to come home and for me to pick him up the next day instead of coming to visit. I was sucked into his excuses and said yes! Immediately when we hung up I was sick to my stomach and started praying. I knew that if I went there to get him he would come home and start right back up but I also knew that if I didn't show up that he would feel alone and rejected. I was so torn and started asking a friend for prayer. She talked to me through the night telling me that God knew what needed to be done and I needed to seek him to guide me through and everything else would work out. I spent that Sunday at church with my stomach in knots. After the service my best friend prayed with me and I felt God holding me and giving me strength. I then picked the kids up in their church and dropped them off at the families homes that were watching them and started my hour to two hour trip to the rehab. His friend talked to me the whole way telling me I could either not go and that was my right or I could go tell him that he was not coming home with me and we could enjoy our visit or I would leave him there and get him that Thursday as planned. It was the hardest decision I had to make. The whole 2 hours in the class in the chapel I prayed to God and repeated in my weakness you are strong. There was an older man there visiting his son and I told him what was going on and he took me under his wing and told me to be strong and encouraged me. I am crying typing this because it was like God was there telling me it would be okay and he would give me the strength. One of the counselors came to me and said I didn't need to be there because I was taking Nathan home and with strength that is only from God I said "I am not taking him home I don't think he is ready and he will be so proud of himself for completing this" she was shocked. Her and another woman looked at each other and said "No one has ever done this" and gave me a big hug. See God was placing all of these people in my path to give me strength.
When Nathan came in the chapel two hours later he was MAD! Who wouldn't be thinking they were going home probably telling everyone they were and waiting only to find out you had to stay. He said to me that he was leaving no matter what and I told him he would have to walk home. He then told me that if I left he would leave me (now don't judge because you have no idea what the addiction was doing to him for him to make a comment like that) I stood up to leave and said "if you mean that then fine" He realized in that moment I was serious and said "stay"! I then started praying and telling him that he needed to do this for himself and to fight for our family and his life. By the end of the two hours he was smiling and laughing (though admitting he felt forced to stay) and at least 5 guys came up to him saying how they were glad he was staying.
I left there feeling in awe of the God I serve, he loves us both so much that he worked it all out and all for his glory. God did some amazing things in those three weeks that Nathan was there but there is so much more to this story. It is those families that I met and the stories that I heard and the people I met at families anonymous meetings that has made me want to write this. We really have no idea how many people rich, poor, white, black, atheist, christian, educated and non educated that are struggling with this evil thing we call addiction. I learned in those meetings that my husband is extremely brilliant but that he has used his talents for so long to get drugs but now he is learning to his is talents for God! I learned that I am not alone in this struggle to help my loved one. I learned that it is not my journey to walk but my husbands. I can not control anything that he does or does not do. I learned that when I place all of my trust in God and God only then everything falls into place. I also learned that the picture of perfect in my head is not the picture of perfect in Gods head and now that I am seeing Gods plans I love his picture so much more. I also learned I do not have a place in my life for those that have hateful or hurtful things to say about anything I or Nathan have done in our lives because if we all look in the mirror and wipe the steam away we will see an imperfect person. I don't have all the knowledge about living with a now recovering addict but I do know that what I have walked through can be an encouragement to someone else. That is why I am telling this story now:)
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
New Years Eve 2011
Before I go any further I want to first say that my husband has given me permission to write this blog and the future ones on this topic and I have prayed about what I should say. I feel like God has done some amazing things in me, my marriage and my relationship with God that I know that by sharing it with others it could be not only an encouragement but a way for people to continue to pray for us. Also if you are offended or have any questions at all please email me or call me if you know my number and we can talk rather than talking to other people who do not know what may be going on...
As some may know last October we moved from our Rental house to Nathans parents house because he had not been doing that great at Saab for months and we just couldn't make it work anymore so it was a hard decision to make but we knew it was the best one and we were so thankful that his parents were willing to allow us and the 4 kids to invade their home. About a week later I found our that the reason we were unable to make things work was because Nathan had relapsed for months! If you didn't know now you do that for years Nathan has struggled with prescription drug use his drug of choice started with Vicodin and about three years ago he added Adderall to that list. I was shocked but we have gone through this time and time again and 3 years ago I made the decision to be married to an addict and that meant that there would be the possibility for relapse. So we pushed through he started going to Awaken (our church's Thursday night service) with me again and attending the substance abuse group. He got a new job at Ford and things looked up. I started feeling like I really needed to seek God more and felt like a change was going to happen I even blogged about it. I started journaling again and was in a great group at church which included reading the book Captivating by Staci and John Eldridge. My goal was to feel Loved by God again at the end of the 12 week class! The group ended on December 22nd and my relationship with God was changed completely. I felt not only Gods love again but I even had conquered some fears of mine about some people in my life judging me for the things I done in my past and God got me through it.
So to bring you to New Years Eve 2011 which at the time seemed like the worst night of my life but hinds sight is 20/20 and now it is the best night of my life and I am certain of Nathans life.
Nathan came to me that night after dinner while we were outside and said we need to talk...if you are a wife of an addict you know that this means something BIG. So because I never know how to handle myself in these situations I laughed and said "what now?". Nathan then told me that he relapsed again but he was not only using Vicodin but Adderall and Xanax and was leaving for rehab the next day! I think I said every cuss word known to man kind and even probably made some of my own up and then laughed. To say I was mad was an understatement. I felt like really I am going through this again and he gets to leave me with four kids at HIS parents house while he goes to rehab and sleep his withdrawals off? NO (not what I said I am toning it down)! I wanted to run away and didn't talk to him most of the night. THEN we go to church the next day and of course God works in mysterious ways and I was convicted by the sermon in so many ways. How could I be angry with Nathan when all he was trying to do was seek help for his addiction (btw it was the first time in 17 years of drug use he has never seeked inpatient help before). I realized that in those 24 hours I had become every other person in his life that judged him and said "you messed up I am done with you" and I knew that God wanted much more from me as his daughter and as Nathans wife. So on our way home I told him I would take him that night to rehab. It was the hardest New Years day because his parents had their annual party with friends and family and that was the last thing I wanted to do was put on a fake smile for everyone. The whole day was spent praying mentally for God to give me the strength. Later we pulled his brother and sister in-law into the office to tell them what was going on and to pray. This was hard for Nathan because it was his first time really admitting to someone that he needed help. I felt Gods presence in the room while we prayed and I believe that the prayers we said in the office that night got Nathan through the next couple of hours. He felt loved and that encouraged him to gather the strength that God had for him and follow through with his decision. I then had to seek God for the strength because on our way to the rehab which is over an hour away we started to get a bad snow storm and then he couldn't get through to the rehab. We almost went home but I started praying that God would prepare his room and the people who would be helping him. We prayed the entire time and listened to christian music. We got there and they only took him because we were paying cash. When we sat down to talk to someone I was in shock at how non-judgmental and encouraging they were to Nathan and me. I will never forget one man telling me that he never got clean when his family was working harder than he was to stay clean! That was a big wake up call for me, I needed to release the control and let Nathan and God work on his sobriety. I then had to say goodbye to him and didn't know when I would see or talk to him again. I prayed the whole way home and asked God to give me the strength to talk to our kids (who earlier in the evening who told them that since daddy lost his job he would go somewhere to get better so he could find another job) who were understandably very upset at home. I stayed up all night praying (after having a slumber party with all four kids in our room lol) and journal to God. That night was the first of many nights where I prayed through the night and listened to worship music. It was the only thing that got me through the days that followed. I have so much more to tell but already this is the longest blog ever lol
All I can say to leave whoever is reading this is that GOD is real and I know that without him not only would my marriage be dead but by husband would be too. There are so many people that have come along side us to pray and I am eternally grateful for them especially those that helped me in the middle of the night on many occasion and you know who your lovely ladies are :) God knew what he was doing when he placed the women in my life and I thank him every day for them :)
As some may know last October we moved from our Rental house to Nathans parents house because he had not been doing that great at Saab for months and we just couldn't make it work anymore so it was a hard decision to make but we knew it was the best one and we were so thankful that his parents were willing to allow us and the 4 kids to invade their home. About a week later I found our that the reason we were unable to make things work was because Nathan had relapsed for months! If you didn't know now you do that for years Nathan has struggled with prescription drug use his drug of choice started with Vicodin and about three years ago he added Adderall to that list. I was shocked but we have gone through this time and time again and 3 years ago I made the decision to be married to an addict and that meant that there would be the possibility for relapse. So we pushed through he started going to Awaken (our church's Thursday night service) with me again and attending the substance abuse group. He got a new job at Ford and things looked up. I started feeling like I really needed to seek God more and felt like a change was going to happen I even blogged about it. I started journaling again and was in a great group at church which included reading the book Captivating by Staci and John Eldridge. My goal was to feel Loved by God again at the end of the 12 week class! The group ended on December 22nd and my relationship with God was changed completely. I felt not only Gods love again but I even had conquered some fears of mine about some people in my life judging me for the things I done in my past and God got me through it.
So to bring you to New Years Eve 2011 which at the time seemed like the worst night of my life but hinds sight is 20/20 and now it is the best night of my life and I am certain of Nathans life.
Nathan came to me that night after dinner while we were outside and said we need to talk...if you are a wife of an addict you know that this means something BIG. So because I never know how to handle myself in these situations I laughed and said "what now?". Nathan then told me that he relapsed again but he was not only using Vicodin but Adderall and Xanax and was leaving for rehab the next day! I think I said every cuss word known to man kind and even probably made some of my own up and then laughed. To say I was mad was an understatement. I felt like really I am going through this again and he gets to leave me with four kids at HIS parents house while he goes to rehab and sleep his withdrawals off? NO (not what I said I am toning it down)! I wanted to run away and didn't talk to him most of the night. THEN we go to church the next day and of course God works in mysterious ways and I was convicted by the sermon in so many ways. How could I be angry with Nathan when all he was trying to do was seek help for his addiction (btw it was the first time in 17 years of drug use he has never seeked inpatient help before). I realized that in those 24 hours I had become every other person in his life that judged him and said "you messed up I am done with you" and I knew that God wanted much more from me as his daughter and as Nathans wife. So on our way home I told him I would take him that night to rehab. It was the hardest New Years day because his parents had their annual party with friends and family and that was the last thing I wanted to do was put on a fake smile for everyone. The whole day was spent praying mentally for God to give me the strength. Later we pulled his brother and sister in-law into the office to tell them what was going on and to pray. This was hard for Nathan because it was his first time really admitting to someone that he needed help. I felt Gods presence in the room while we prayed and I believe that the prayers we said in the office that night got Nathan through the next couple of hours. He felt loved and that encouraged him to gather the strength that God had for him and follow through with his decision. I then had to seek God for the strength because on our way to the rehab which is over an hour away we started to get a bad snow storm and then he couldn't get through to the rehab. We almost went home but I started praying that God would prepare his room and the people who would be helping him. We prayed the entire time and listened to christian music. We got there and they only took him because we were paying cash. When we sat down to talk to someone I was in shock at how non-judgmental and encouraging they were to Nathan and me. I will never forget one man telling me that he never got clean when his family was working harder than he was to stay clean! That was a big wake up call for me, I needed to release the control and let Nathan and God work on his sobriety. I then had to say goodbye to him and didn't know when I would see or talk to him again. I prayed the whole way home and asked God to give me the strength to talk to our kids (who earlier in the evening who told them that since daddy lost his job he would go somewhere to get better so he could find another job) who were understandably very upset at home. I stayed up all night praying (after having a slumber party with all four kids in our room lol) and journal to God. That night was the first of many nights where I prayed through the night and listened to worship music. It was the only thing that got me through the days that followed. I have so much more to tell but already this is the longest blog ever lol
All I can say to leave whoever is reading this is that GOD is real and I know that without him not only would my marriage be dead but by husband would be too. There are so many people that have come along side us to pray and I am eternally grateful for them especially those that helped me in the middle of the night on many occasion and you know who your lovely ladies are :) God knew what he was doing when he placed the women in my life and I thank him every day for them :)
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
A-M-A-Z-I-N-G
This song is absolutely amazing!! Every time I hear it on the radio I am brought to tears and goosebumps. When I found this version on I was amazed even more to see so many people in the crowd worshiping our God!! Shortest blog ever but the words to this song say exactly how I feel......
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