Saturday, June 30, 2012


I seem to always be inspired to blog when I am doing the Landscaping Billing?? That or it is the only time I have time to sit in front of the computer lately. My mind is all over the place and I have so many things that I feel like God has placed on my heart to blog about.. I know some people who happen to stumble on this blog wonder what I am doing lol me too.  I do not care about grammar, I do not have amazing reviews about products, or am I any kind of writer so what am I doing?? I have used this as a place to put all my thoughts and I really feel like what I am walking through God is going to use to help others. One thing that I have been wanting to blog about is going to take a lot of courage because although I have been forgiven by God and I have forgiven myself there will be some people who read this and judge me. There will also be some people who think I am wrong for saying what I did was wrong but read it and then talk to me privately or publicly because I love a good debate and I never judge those that have a different opinion than my own because this world would suck (that's right I said suck) if we all thought the same way...oh and yes I did as always get permission from my hubby to blog about this.
Growing up I really struggled with making sure I presented myself the right front of my immediate family I was a horrible person my words and anger could cut you deep..I hated myself and everything about myself. I look at pictures now and see this little girl who really was searching for something and she thought it was physical. I thought that I had to give of myself in order to be loved.. this is really hard to admit because lately it has been brought up in different situations but I am reminded that God forgave me and I have dealt with my past. THE hardest thing I ever went through (and I know Nathan too) was that because I didn't love myself enough to respect my body to wait until I was old enough and married to have sex we ended up becoming pregnant..Yes we all know or most of you that I was pregnant when we got married at 19 years old and had a beautiful little girl Jordan!! But this was when we were 16 years old! It was the hardest time of my life and I look back and feel like it was a point that had I known God I know that my decision would have been different because I chose to listen to Doctors and outside sources rather than what my heart was already screaming. I swore I would never have an abortion when I was younger and then I became pregnant at 16. Here is more of a background I was diagnosed with by-polar manic depression when I was young (I think back and realize that was probably just serve depression) and was on a lot of medication to help with that so my doctor said the state she is in she will either kill the baby with the meds or she will kill herself if she goes off the meds. I will never forget that conversation because looking back now it was true I would have killed myself because I had tried numerous times before. I then had a choice and it was mine, either I carried the baby or aborted the baby. I chose to have an abortion. The thing is I really thought it would be better to do that rather than damage the baby with meds and myself as the mother. It was a dark time in my life. That day in November will forever be burned in my heart. I look back at my journals from that time and cry for that young girl. I remember what it felt like inside and outside.I remember the absolute pain inside and outside. I remember what the doctor looked like and how the room smelled. I remember the nurse and how cold she was. I remember the waiting room looking like we were in the 70s and how dark it was in there. I remember the emptiness I felt afterwards and how I felt like I was floating above my own body. I remember and drive by the place everyday on my way to work and I always say a prayer for the young girl who believed a lie and for other girls too. I will never forget what happened that day and how it changed me. I remember the shame I walked away feeling and how I wanted to die.I remember that for weeks and weeks I mourned the baby that would have been inside me. I remember thinking when May came around I would have had a baby and mourned that precious life. I remember them showing me the ultrasound picture afterwards and taking a picture of it with my mind. When I got saved I sobbed I don't think the women there understood why I was crying so hard and it was because I didn't know if God would really accept me if he knew what I did. I spent so much time putting my mask on and to not let people know what I had done that I thought there was no way God knew and if he found out he would leave me...I can not say enough that the opposite happened. I truly found forgiveness,grace and mercy and a freedom I could never explain once I gave this over to God. I am 100% against abortion and I will debate it until I die with whoever feels they have enough guts to do that because I have been there and the lies that are told to women and were told to me are so sad. If you have had an abortion and still think it is ok I am not going to judge you EVER so do not judge me if I believe it is wrong and if you have never had one and want to go head to head with me because I believe it is wrong that's fine too :)  I have had very close people in my life that I love very much ask me to take them for one and I have loved them through it or even helped them change their mind and it was amazing to see God do that. This is how I know that everything that I have been through in my life either because of my own choices or because of what others have done to me it is all to give GOD the glory because there is no way I would be here if it wasn't for HIM!! So for those that didn't know this about me I pray that this doesn't change how you think of me but that you will remember what I said and if you have had one and still struggle with it then there is hope for you too but if you never had one maybe this will help you to have some compassion for someone who has. I know that whenever I open up to other women about this I find at least a handful in a room that tell me they did too...that to me means a lot of women walking around with shame and guilt that God can take care of :)

1 comment:

Rachel said...

Thank you, as always, for continuing to share your testimony with me (and the world). :-) God bless you, Mariana!