Wednesday, May 30, 2012

All about Jordan :)

Happy Double Digits!!!
 So here is a post all about my Jordan!! I can not believe that she has turned 10 years old :) I had fun looking for some old pictures of her to post and yes I cried.  


So God has been working in me a ton these past couple of weeks...but the question is have I really been listening? It is so hard to completely give things up and when we do we end up wanting to do them our way or think we can do it better. I know I know I am going to talk about smoking again but its what I am going through right now! When I decided I was going to quit it was for a number of reasons but the main one was I felt convicted to quit and I felt like God was saying it was time and to trust him. Each time I picked a cigarette up it was like I was telling God I didn't trust him. So here I am almost 13 days later and I am struggling. I mean it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am still crying (today I called Nathan crying at work thank God he could talk to me and help calm me down) and still filled with anger. I realized last night that I am trying to do this on my own and be perfect at it. I had all this bitterness because I felt like people would judge me if I had just one more when really who cares what people think I am not doing this for anyone but myself and my God. I was writing in my journal last night and it felt good to just put everything on paper, I felt like I was writing a letter to God and just putting it all out there. I feel really blessed to have a husband who can really relate to me and walk along side me with this struggle and not make me feel stupid for how I feel. I have had many people say "get over it already" and all I can say is it is not that easy but I am keeping my eyes on why I am really doing this. Today was a rough day I felt really depressed and not myself at all and I am lucky to work where I do because one of my co-workers gave me a mini massage which was nice and actually helped me :) I realized that there is no way I could have gone through this rough time if I hadn't gone through the past 6 months. It may seem like two totally different things but 6 months ago I would have told you that there was no way I could live with my in-laws again...or handle my husband going to rehab for 3 weeks...or even handle working 4 days a week. Here I am 6 months later and I have done all of those things plus some and gotten through it. God is good all the time not just some of the time or just when we need him to be ALL THE TIME. I feel lucky to serve a God who cares so much about me that no matter what he is there so all I need to do is shut my mouth and LISTEN

Monday, May 21, 2012

A Daily Battle

If this blog seems all over the place and filled with anger its because I have taken the plunge to become a non-smoker once again...I once heard that it can take one person trying to quit 10 times before it actually sticks...This is my 8th! I am not happy at all :( It started because lately I have been really sick of smoking I constantly questioned why I was doing it but at the same time I was smoking more and more which we all knows costs a lot of money that we do not have. How do I justify not being able to buy something for our kids but then would buy a pack of cigarettes ( I am not judging anyone and if you know me you know that I do not judge so if you smoke I am admitting how hard it is). I was sick of the look that I would get from people when they found out I smoked or the tone in their voice when they said "oooohhhhh you smoke? I would never have thought that you of all people would smoke?" what does that even mean? Does it mean that smokers only look like they are 80 years old when they are really 30 or that they have no teeth or a ridiculous cough? My favorite is the comment from people who have never had an issue with any kind of addiction is "Why don't you just quit? It should be easy since you know you could die from it?" This all comes from someone who has never struggled (in their eyes) with any type of addiction which is hard to believe that everyone out there struggles with at least one if not more than one of the or we could go into the addictions that people lower their voices for when they discuss I know some of you are thinking well watching too much TV is going to kill me or shopping a ton isn't going to kill me BUT drinking a ton of Coffee can make your heart race or Spending money all the time on useless things can put your family in debt as much as 100,000.00 of dollars if not more for some people I know. What I mean is don't judge because you really have no idea why someone is doing what they are doing and if they are trying to stop doing it or not. I have struggled for a long time on and off with smoking. I started when I was 13 years old and if I talked to the group of friends who started smoking then (At Skate and Dance on the side of the building) I bet that they have quit probably a long time ago..and the funny thing is I practiced in my bathroom mirror to inhale so I would not look stupid the next time I saw them, talk about wanting to please people. So my journey started last Thursday morning when I had no money and was on day 7 of being really sick and decided I am done. With my bible on my phone I walked out the door and found verses to memorize throughout the day and listened to K-LOVE the whole way to work and prayed. I told Nathan and Jenny to pray for me throughout the day and I made it...then at 6pm I told Nathan to give me a cigarette and he said "NO" lol I then looked at him and through clenched teeth said!! Now May 17th at 6pm was my last cigarette and I want to tell you that I can breath easier and I am happy and feeling great...But I am angry..irritated...still sick and have cried more during this time than in my first trimester of pregnancy!! I feel like I have lost a friend (which I know for someone who doesn't have this struggle will think that is silly), I feel like I have lost the only way I know how to cope with any type of stress at all, and I feel like I have lost something I could control?? Makes no sense when smoking causes your body to feel stressed..I had no control over the fact that it would one day kill me and what type of friend doesn't talk back and gives you premature wrinkles?? All I can say is that it doesn't make sense but it makes sense all at the same time. On another note I have WAY more respect for my husband who is 38+ days clean from drugs!! I will never EVER let anyone say anything (not that anyone has) about his journey with getting clean and say its not that big of a deal because if smoking has done this to me after 17 years I can only imagine what drugs can do to your body after 17 years! All I know is that God is who is getting me through and I am so thankful that he is a God of mercy and grace and forgives me each time I say I want to punch someone in the face ;)

Saturday, May 5, 2012

It has been awhile

It has been awhile since I have last blogged and I really miss it. I am realizing that even my journal has been placed on the back burner and I can not do that. I have to remember to take care of myself as well. We are crazy busy from now until July and then from August until middle of September so I need to get used to this. I have picked up more hours at work and it is really hard to get used to that. Having four kids is a full time job so add one extra day and one longer work day into the mix and I am working overtime. I have to say it is a good thing I work at such a great place and for that I feel really blessed. I will post some pictures in the next couple of days of all the kids and their summer activities. Sammy is doing T-ball for the first time and is so cute. Nathan gets to assist and sometimes coach so they are having their male bonding time lol. His last game the other teams coach nicknamed him "the Hoover" because he was sucking up so many of the balls. He is the smallest on the team but so darn cute :) Jordan is doing great in Karate she will be working towards her green belt this next month and we are really proud of her. She loves and is taking it very seriously it helps that her Uncle B is her sensei and I think she loves have a special bond with him and showing him her best :) Mariana will have her first Soccer game of the season tomorrow afternoon and is very excited! Soccer is exactly what she needs to get some of her energy out. I feel like we are being pulled in all directions lately but I know that this will only get crazier when a certain 2 year old gets older and wants an activity of her own. I have been doing a challenge to memorize 2 verses a day and I can not believe I am actually doing it and remembering what I have read. I am not as far as the rest of those who took the challenge because once we got to the verses that were longer I struggled but I would rather take the time than rush and the book of James is probably the best book for me to start it during this time of my life. God is doing amazing things even amidst the hard times and I have to remind myself that he has a plan so much bigger than my own. I am learning that when I am feeling overwhelmed and upset I need to voice my feelings and not push them down and give it to God. For so many years I had the attitude of "why do I have to be the one to change..or its not fair...or I don't care" the funny thing is that I was causing myself more stress and anxiety when I thought that way. I have realized that if I rise above and change my thinking and the way I portray my feelings then everything else around me is so much better. That the people who were causing me stress most of the time end up leaving me alone because they don't like the new me or they see that I am not getting upset so they don't have to either. It is so freeing to be responsible for my own actions and not try to control other people because I can not and why would I want to live my life with a bunch of puppets? One last thing I was in a women's group in the fall and we were reading the book Captivating(which by the way is an amazing book click on the title of the book and it will take you to the amazon page). Well our leader had us write a love letter to God, seal it and stick it in our bibles and promised that God would just lead us to it one day when we needed it. Well so very true because a couple weeks ago I opened my bible and it fell out and I knew I was supposed to read it...I might share it one day but all I can say is that everything I asked heart to be feel the love from God have peace and joy...has all been happening lately! God is so amazing and I know I always say it but I am in awe of his love for me again and again.