A Daily Battle

If this blog seems all over the place and filled with anger its because I have taken the plunge to become a non-smoker once again...I once heard that it can take one person trying to quit 10 times before it actually sticks...This is my 8th! I am not happy at all :( It started because lately I have been really sick of smoking I constantly questioned why I was doing it but at the same time I was smoking more and more which we all knows costs a lot of money that we do not have. How do I justify not being able to buy something for our kids but then would buy a pack of cigarettes ( I am not judging anyone and if you know me you know that I do not judge so if you smoke I am admitting how hard it is). I was sick of the look that I would get from people when they found out I smoked or the tone in their voice when they said "oooohhhhh you smoke? I would never have thought that you of all people would smoke?" what does that even mean? Does it mean that smokers only look like they are 80 years old when they are really 30 or that they have no teeth or a ridiculous cough? My favorite is the comment from people who have never had an issue with any kind of addiction is "Why don't you just quit? It should be easy since you know you could die from it?" This all comes from someone who has never struggled (in their eyes) with any type of addiction which is hard to believe that everyone out there struggles with at least one if not more than one of the following...fast food..chocolate..coffee..pop..candy..tv..gossip..lying or we could go into the addictions that people lower their voices for when they discuss them...stealing..porn..drugs..alcohol..shopping..gambling..and I know some of you are thinking well watching too much TV is going to kill me or shopping a ton isn't going to kill me BUT drinking a ton of Coffee can make your heart race or Spending money all the time on useless things can put your family in debt as much as 100,000.00 of dollars if not more for some people I know. What I mean is don't judge because you really have no idea why someone is doing what they are doing and if they are trying to stop doing it or not. I have struggled for a long time on and off with smoking. I started when I was 13 years old and if I talked to the group of friends who started smoking then (At Skate and Dance on the side of the building) I bet that they have quit probably a long time ago..and the funny thing is I practiced in my bathroom mirror to inhale so I would not look stupid the next time I saw them, talk about wanting to please people. So my journey started last Thursday morning when I had no money and was on day 7 of being really sick and decided I am done. With my bible on my phone I walked out the door and found verses to memorize throughout the day and listened to K-LOVE the whole way to work and prayed. I told Nathan and Jenny to pray for me throughout the day and I made it...then at 6pm I told Nathan to give me a cigarette and he said "NO" lol I then looked at him and through clenched teeth said give...me...a...cigarette..please!! Now May 17th at 6pm was my last cigarette and I want to tell you that I can breath easier and I am happy and feeling great...But I am angry..irritated...still sick and have cried more during this time than in my first trimester of pregnancy!! I feel like I have lost a friend (which I know for someone who doesn't have this struggle will think that is silly), I feel like I have lost the only way I know how to cope with any type of stress at all, and I feel like I have lost something I could control?? Makes no sense when smoking causes your body to feel stressed..I had no control over the fact that it would one day kill me and what type of friend doesn't talk back and gives you premature wrinkles?? All I can say is that it doesn't make sense but it makes sense all at the same time. On another note I have WAY more respect for my husband who is 38+ days clean from drugs!! I will never EVER let anyone say anything (not that anyone has) about his journey with getting clean and say its not that big of a deal because if smoking has done this to me after 17 years I can only imagine what drugs can do to your body after 17 years! All I know is that God is who is getting me through and I am so thankful that he is a God of mercy and grace and forgives me each time I say I want to punch someone in the face ;)