LISTEN

So God has been working in me a ton these past couple of weeks...but the question is have I really been listening? It is so hard to completely give things up and when we do we end up wanting to do them our way or think we can do it better. I know I know I am going to talk about smoking again but its what I am going through right now! When I decided I was going to quit it was for a number of reasons but the main one was I felt convicted to quit and I felt like God was saying it was time and to trust him. Each time I picked a cigarette up it was like I was telling God I didn't trust him. So here I am almost 13 days later and I am struggling. I mean it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am still crying (today I called Nathan crying at work thank God he could talk to me and help calm me down) and still filled with anger. I realized last night that I am trying to do this on my own and be perfect at it. I had all this bitterness because I felt like people would judge me if I had just one more when really who cares what people think I am not doing this for anyone but myself and my God. I was writing in my journal last night and it felt good to just put everything on paper, I felt like I was writing a letter to God and just putting it all out there. I feel really blessed to have a husband who can really relate to me and walk along side me with this struggle and not make me feel stupid for how I feel. I have had many people say "get over it already" and all I can say is it is not that easy but I am keeping my eyes on why I am really doing this. Today was a rough day I felt really depressed and not myself at all and I am lucky to work where I do because one of my co-workers gave me a mini massage which was nice and actually helped me :) I realized that there is no way I could have gone through this rough time if I hadn't gone through the past 6 months. It may seem like two totally different things but 6 months ago I would have told you that there was no way I could live with my in-laws again...or handle my husband going to rehab for 3 weeks...or even handle working 4 days a week. Here I am 6 months later and I have done all of those things plus some and gotten through it. God is good all the time not just some of the time or just when we need him to be ALL THE TIME. I feel lucky to serve a God who cares so much about me that no matter what he is there so all I need to do is shut my mouth and LISTEN