Proof Of his love

"If I could speak with inhuman eloquence and angelic ecstasy, but I don't love then I am nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.
If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything as plain as day, and if I say to mountain 'Jump!', and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.
If I give all I earn to the poor, or if I even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't have love I've gotten nowhere."

This gets me at my core... I can not explain what this song does to me every time I hear it! I know I posted this on Facebook a couple days ago but I had to put it here too because it has hit me deep in my heart in a way that sometimes I need to catch my breath. God really is so amazing that he can speak right to me using a song!! Not that long ago I was made aware that there are some people who think that this music is not glorifying God and that those that listen to it are they themselves considered ungodly!! I was shocked by this and actually cried (yes I know I am an emotionally person but that's how God made me :) ) . I cried for anyone who feels that way because music has changed me on so many levels and God has spoken to me so many times through music. Listen to this song, really listen to the words and read the quote above that he speaks in the song! To say you have Christ in you is one thing but NOTHING matters if no matter what we do not love one another. It doesn't mean you give your blessing to things that are wrong but you LOVE no matter what.  I am walking this exact thing right now and it is a struggle but at the end of the day I know that God is working in me and that I am seeking him. In the midst of the storm I am learning to praise God...Now I just wish that my first thought in the beginning of the storm was to praise him...that is a struggle but one I have faith and hope will come!!!

Inspired

I seem to always be inspired to blog when I am doing the Landscaping Billing?? That or it is the only time I have time to sit in front of the computer lately. My mind is all over the place and I have so many things that I feel like God has placed on my heart to blog about.. I know some people who happen to stumble on this blog wonder what I am doing lol me too.  I do not care about grammar, I do not have amazing reviews about products, or am I any kind of writer so what am I doing?? I have used this as a place to put all my thoughts and I really feel like what I am walking through God is going to use to help others. One thing that I have been wanting to blog about is going to take a lot of courage because although I have been forgiven by God and I have forgiven myself there will be some people who read this and judge me. There will also be some people who think I am wrong for saying what I did was wrong but read it and then talk to me privately or publicly because I love a good debate and I never judge those that have a different opinion than my own because this world would suck (that's right I said suck) if we all thought the same way...oh and yes I did as always get permission from my hubby to blog about this.

Growing up I really struggled with making sure I presented myself the right way...in front of my immediate family I was a horrible person my words and anger could cut you deep..I hated myself and everything about myself. I look at pictures now and see this little girl who really was searching for something and she thought it was physical. I thought that I had to give of myself in order to be loved.. this is really hard to admit because lately it has been brought up in different situations but I am reminded that God forgave me and I have dealt with my past. THE hardest thing I ever went through (and I know Nathan too) was that because I didn't love myself enough to respect my body to wait until I was old enough and married to have sex we ended up becoming pregnant..Yes we all know or most of you that I was pregnant when we got married at 19 years old and had a beautiful little girl Jordan!! But this was when we were 16 years old! It was the hardest time of my life and I look back and feel like it was a point that had I known God I know that my decision would have been different because I chose to listen to Doctors and outside sources rather than what my heart was already screaming. I swore I would never have an abortion when I was younger and then I became pregnant at 16. Here is more of a background I was diagnosed with by-polar manic depression when I was young (I think back and realize that was probably just serve depression) and was on a lot of medication to help with that so my doctor said the state she is in she will either kill the baby with the meds or she will kill herself if she goes off the meds. I will never forget that conversation because looking back now it was true I would have killed myself because I had tried numerous times before. I then had a choice and it was mine, either I carried the baby or aborted the baby. I chose to have an abortion. The thing is I really thought it would be better to do that rather than damage the baby with meds and myself as the mother. It was a dark time in my life. That day in November will forever be burned in my heart. I look back at my journals from that time and cry for that young girl. I remember what it felt like inside and outside.I remember the absolute pain inside and outside. I remember what the doctor looked like and how the room smelled. I remember the nurse and how cold she was. I remember the waiting room looking like we were in the 70s and how dark it was in there. I remember the emptiness I felt afterwards and how I felt like I was floating above my own body. I remember and drive by the place everyday on my way to work and I always say a prayer for the young girl who believed a lie and for other girls too. I will never forget what happened that day and how it changed me. I remember the shame I walked away feeling and how I wanted to die.I remember that for weeks and weeks I mourned the baby that would have been inside me. I remember thinking when May came around I would have had a baby and mourned that precious life. I remember them showing me the ultrasound picture afterwards and taking a picture of it with my mind. When I got saved I sobbed I don't think the women there understood why I was crying so hard and it was because I didn't know if God would really accept me if he knew what I did. I spent so much time putting my mask on and to not let people know what I had done that I thought there was no way God knew and if he found out he would leave me...I can not say enough that the opposite happened. I truly found forgiveness,grace and mercy and a freedom I could never explain once I gave this over to God. I am 100% against abortion and I will debate it until I die with whoever feels they have enough guts to do that because I have been there and the lies that are told to women and were told to me are so sad. If you have had an abortion and still think it is ok I am not going to judge you EVER so do not judge me if I believe it is wrong and if you have never had one and want to go head to head with me because I believe it is wrong that's fine too :)  I have had very close people in my life that I love very much ask me to take them for one and I have loved them through it or even helped them change their mind and it was amazing to see God do that. This is how I know that everything that I have been through in my life either because of my own choices or because of what others have done to me it is all to give GOD the glory because there is no way I would be here if it wasn't for HIM!! So for those that didn't know this about me I pray that this doesn't change how you think of me but that you will remember what I said and if you have had one and still struggle with it then there is hope for you too but if you never had one maybe this will help you to have some compassion for someone who has. I know that whenever I open up to other women about this I find at least a handful in a room that tell me they did too...that to me means a lot of women walking around with shame and guilt that God can take care of :)

Let's be real....

So by now even if you are not a close friend or a family member you know that I am an open book..probably too open for some people. I really believe that if you can not be honest with people about your struggles than how will you ever know that you are not alone in what you are going through? I have been praying for a long time that our church would start a group at Awaken for family members of addicts because I just haven't found the support I wanted at Nara-non meetings. I think I have missed the spiritual side to the meetings that I always found at Celebrate Recovery like when someone is really struggling you can all gather around them and pray for them it was huge for me. I loved the relationships I built because of our common struggle and knowing that with Christ all things are possible. So a couple weeks ago when a friend of mine sent me a picture text of the next line up of groups and the type of group I (and some of my friends) had been praying for was one of the groups we were so excited!! I purchased my book right away and have been reading it already and my highlighter is almost dry. The book is written by a recovering addict and it is amazing!  I feel like this group is going to do amazing things for a lot of people who are in my spot right now. It is very hard to be married to an addict you wear a lot of hats and become very good at being the private investigator but all I can say is that I love my husband more than anything in this world and because God has been at the center of everyone of my days I know that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. God is doing amazing things in my life and my husbands life and I feel like there is a reason why we are going through these struggles. I have been feeling lately that God is saying that I need to take this season and listen...learn...and trust him. I believe that no matter what happens God is there and the pretty cool thing is that he has set it all up already. I have never felt closer to God in all of my life. Because I am so open with our struggles I have had lots of people tell me that they too are struggling being married to an addict. I look around and people that I never would have guessed that they were struggling with the same thing I am. I have learned that there are some couples who have to live double lives and that has got to be way harder than what I am going through. I know Nathan doesn't always agree with how open I am but I think it is being true to yourself and allowing God to use you to help other people but also have the potential to learn from others as well. My prayer right now is that anyone else who sees in our church bulletin that the family members of addicts group starts soon will take the step to be part of it and I pray that anyone who reads this who may not go to our church decides to take that same step because I am living proof that being open and allowing God to work in you is by far way better than closing the doors and windows to your heart and home and pretending...

100% Random

If you ever wonder what it would be like to live inside my head (because lets be honest you all are wondering what I am thinking about lol) here it is..

I learned something yesterday that sometimes the plan that you think is for you is really for someone else. Again,not sure if makes sense to you but it really hit me hard. 

Lately I feel like I am living the same day over and over again. I had some really weird dreams last night that made me even more tired than I was and I woke up so upset with myself for smoking again..and then I realized it was just a dream! 

I have hit some pretty cool milestones as a non-smoker. 1. I went on a long walk and did not get short of breath once !! 2. I made it through a life changing moment and didn't even want to pick up a smoke!! 3. I went to a concert and didn't even feel the need to smoke!! 4. I stood by people who were smoking and almost blowing it in my face and I HATED the way it smelled :)!!

I worry that this summer break is going to eat me up and spit me out...a ton going on and not enough time to do it all. 

Will I ever be that person that is ok with saying NO to things. I am better at it but I still feel like I am going to really hurt someones feelings if I say NO!

I am extremely excited for the next group I am signing up for at Awaken on Thursday nights...it is one I prayed for and asked for and God is going to really help a lot of people through it. If you don't already know about Awaken ask me (I know I talk about it enough on FB lol)

I am thankful for an amazing friend who got me a copy of the service this past Sunday on Suffering because I feel like I was changed once I heard it..God is pretty awesome when he does things like that.

God showed me today that sometimes I really to need to shut my mouth because it can get me in trouble and take away from what he may be showing someone (admit it we all do this and if you don't think you do then just ask a friend..a honest one though :) about his grace and mercy and love for their situation

I am really excited that Nathan and I have decided to put our marriage first and spend a little money once a month and go to 1 concert a month this summer (lawn seats a cheap but awesome). 1st concert was Anthem Lights and Newsboys 2nd concert was Third Day and Jars of Clay...3rd one is July 29th Micheal W. Smith and Jeremy Camp and the 4th one will be August 25th Steven Curtis Chapman and Toby Mac!! I am so excited it is the best going to a concert and having church!!! Anyone who wants to go with us send me a message. 

Nathan and I are going to a marriage conference this Friday and two things are exciting about this.. 1. We need it more now than ever to be focusing on our marriage 2. Kirk Cameron will be the speaker and Warren Barfield will be singing 3. The kids are soooo excited to have their favorite baby sitter come over (thanks Ju)!! Ok that was more than 2 but I know I could think of more because whats better than getting a boost of God for our marriage :)

I learned recently that there will always be people out there that think they are better and that a lot of times those people call themselves believers....I think that is ironic...I think that the bible states that we are sinners and no one is better than another person...I have learned a lot this past year that we can not judge anyone and just because I choose to listen to Christian Rock music or read a secular book God still loves me..The amazing thing is that God showed me a huge lesson and that was I can't judge that person for judging me. Confused? Me too! I know I have talked about this before but it is one I struggle with because I tend to be judged a lot (no pity just a statement) and I tend to get really heated about it.

I have really been thinking more and more about working with the youth but not sure how that fits into my life and if it is something that I have to put on the back burner right now.

 

 

I told you random and that isn't even half of it

 

All about Jordan :)

Happy Double Digits!!!
 So here is a post all about my Jordan!! I can not believe that she has turned 10 years old :) I had fun looking for some old pictures of her to post and yes I cried.  
 

LISTEN

So God has been working in me a ton these past couple of weeks...but the question is have I really been listening? It is so hard to completely give things up and when we do we end up wanting to do them our way or think we can do it better. I know I know I am going to talk about smoking again but its what I am going through right now! When I decided I was going to quit it was for a number of reasons but the main one was I felt convicted to quit and I felt like God was saying it was time and to trust him. Each time I picked a cigarette up it was like I was telling God I didn't trust him. So here I am almost 13 days later and I am struggling. I mean it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am still crying (today I called Nathan crying at work thank God he could talk to me and help calm me down) and still filled with anger. I realized last night that I am trying to do this on my own and be perfect at it. I had all this bitterness because I felt like people would judge me if I had just one more when really who cares what people think I am not doing this for anyone but myself and my God. I was writing in my journal last night and it felt good to just put everything on paper, I felt like I was writing a letter to God and just putting it all out there. I feel really blessed to have a husband who can really relate to me and walk along side me with this struggle and not make me feel stupid for how I feel. I have had many people say "get over it already" and all I can say is it is not that easy but I am keeping my eyes on why I am really doing this. Today was a rough day I felt really depressed and not myself at all and I am lucky to work where I do because one of my co-workers gave me a mini massage which was nice and actually helped me :) I realized that there is no way I could have gone through this rough time if I hadn't gone through the past 6 months. It may seem like two totally different things but 6 months ago I would have told you that there was no way I could live with my in-laws again...or handle my husband going to rehab for 3 weeks...or even handle working 4 days a week. Here I am 6 months later and I have done all of those things plus some and gotten through it. God is good all the time not just some of the time or just when we need him to be ALL THE TIME. I feel lucky to serve a God who cares so much about me that no matter what he is there so all I need to do is shut my mouth and LISTEN

A Daily Battle

If this blog seems all over the place and filled with anger its because I have taken the plunge to become a non-smoker once again...I once heard that it can take one person trying to quit 10 times before it actually sticks...This is my 8th! I am not happy at all :( It started because lately I have been really sick of smoking I constantly questioned why I was doing it but at the same time I was smoking more and more which we all knows costs a lot of money that we do not have. How do I justify not being able to buy something for our kids but then would buy a pack of cigarettes ( I am not judging anyone and if you know me you know that I do not judge so if you smoke I am admitting how hard it is). I was sick of the look that I would get from people when they found out I smoked or the tone in their voice when they said "oooohhhhh you smoke? I would never have thought that you of all people would smoke?" what does that even mean? Does it mean that smokers only look like they are 80 years old when they are really 30 or that they have no teeth or a ridiculous cough? My favorite is the comment from people who have never had an issue with any kind of addiction is "Why don't you just quit? It should be easy since you know you could die from it?" This all comes from someone who has never struggled (in their eyes) with any type of addiction which is hard to believe that everyone out there struggles with at least one if not more than one of the following...fast food..chocolate..coffee..pop..candy..tv..gossip..lying or we could go into the addictions that people lower their voices for when they discuss them...stealing..porn..drugs..alcohol..shopping..gambling..and I know some of you are thinking well watching too much TV is going to kill me or shopping a ton isn't going to kill me BUT drinking a ton of Coffee can make your heart race or Spending money all the time on useless things can put your family in debt as much as 100,000.00 of dollars if not more for some people I know. What I mean is don't judge because you really have no idea why someone is doing what they are doing and if they are trying to stop doing it or not. I have struggled for a long time on and off with smoking. I started when I was 13 years old and if I talked to the group of friends who started smoking then (At Skate and Dance on the side of the building) I bet that they have quit probably a long time ago..and the funny thing is I practiced in my bathroom mirror to inhale so I would not look stupid the next time I saw them, talk about wanting to please people. So my journey started last Thursday morning when I had no money and was on day 7 of being really sick and decided I am done. With my bible on my phone I walked out the door and found verses to memorize throughout the day and listened to K-LOVE the whole way to work and prayed. I told Nathan and Jenny to pray for me throughout the day and I made it...then at 6pm I told Nathan to give me a cigarette and he said "NO" lol I then looked at him and through clenched teeth said give...me...a...cigarette..please!! Now May 17th at 6pm was my last cigarette and I want to tell you that I can breath easier and I am happy and feeling great...But I am angry..irritated...still sick and have cried more during this time than in my first trimester of pregnancy!! I feel like I have lost a friend (which I know for someone who doesn't have this struggle will think that is silly), I feel like I have lost the only way I know how to cope with any type of stress at all, and I feel like I have lost something I could control?? Makes no sense when smoking causes your body to feel stressed..I had no control over the fact that it would one day kill me and what type of friend doesn't talk back and gives you premature wrinkles?? All I can say is that it doesn't make sense but it makes sense all at the same time. On another note I have WAY more respect for my husband who is 38+ days clean from drugs!! I will never EVER let anyone say anything (not that anyone has) about his journey with getting clean and say its not that big of a deal because if smoking has done this to me after 17 years I can only imagine what drugs can do to your body after 17 years! All I know is that God is who is getting me through and I am so thankful that he is a God of mercy and grace and forgives me each time I say I want to punch someone in the face ;)