New Years Eve 2011

Before I go any further I want to first say that my husband has given me permission to write this blog and the future ones on this topic and I have prayed about what I should say. I feel like God has done some amazing things in me, my marriage and my relationship with God that I know that by sharing it with others it could be not only an encouragement but a way for people to continue to pray for us. Also if you are offended or have any questions at all please email me or call me if you know my number and we can talk rather than talking to other people who do not know what may be going on...

As some may know last October we moved from our Rental house to Nathans parents house because he had not been doing that great at Saab for months and we just couldn't make it work anymore so it was a hard decision to make but we knew it was the best one and we were so thankful that his parents were willing to allow us and the 4 kids to invade their home. About a week later I found our that the reason we were unable to make things work was because Nathan had relapsed for months! If you didn't know now you do that for years Nathan has struggled with prescription drug use his drug of choice started with Vicodin and about three years ago he added Adderall to that list. I was shocked but we have gone through this time and time again and 3 years ago I made the decision to be married to an addict and that meant that there would be the possibility for relapse. So we pushed through he started going to Awaken (our church's Thursday night service) with me again and attending the substance abuse group. He got a new job at Ford and things looked up. I started feeling like I really needed to seek God more and felt like a change was going to happen I even blogged about it. I started journaling again and was in a great group at church which included reading the book Captivating by Staci and John Eldridge. My goal was to feel Loved by God again at the end of the 12 week class! The group ended on December 22nd and my relationship with God was changed completely. I felt not only Gods love again but I even had conquered some fears of mine about some people in my life judging me for the things I done in my past and God got me through it.
So to bring you to New Years Eve 2011 which at the time seemed like the worst night of my life but hinds sight is 20/20 and now it is the best night of my life and I am certain of Nathans life.
Nathan came to me that night after dinner while we were outside and said we need to talk...if you are a wife of an addict you know that this means something BIG. So because I never know how to handle myself in these situations I laughed and said "what now?". Nathan then told me that he relapsed again but he was not only using Vicodin but Adderall and Xanax and was leaving for rehab the next day! I think I said every cuss word known to man kind and even probably made some of my own up and then laughed. To say I was mad was an understatement. I felt like really I am going through this again and he gets to leave me with four kids at HIS parents house while he goes to rehab and sleep his withdrawals off? NO (not what I said I am toning it down)! I wanted to run away and didn't talk to him most of the night. THEN we go to church the next day and of course God works in mysterious ways and I was convicted by the sermon in so many ways. How could I be angry with Nathan when all he was trying to do was seek help for his addiction (btw it was the first time in 17 years of drug use he has never seeked inpatient help before). I realized that in those 24 hours I had become every other person in his life that judged him and said "you messed up I am done with you" and I knew that God wanted much more from me as his daughter and as Nathans wife. So on our way home I told him I would take him that night to rehab. It was the hardest New Years day because his parents had their annual party with friends and family and that was the last thing I wanted to do was put on a fake smile for everyone. The whole day was spent praying mentally for God to give me the strength. Later we pulled his brother and sister in-law into the office to tell them what was going on and to pray. This was hard for Nathan because it was his first time really admitting to someone that he needed help. I felt Gods presence in the room while we prayed and I believe that the prayers we said in the office that night got Nathan through the next couple of hours. He felt loved and that encouraged him to gather the strength that God had for him and follow through with his decision. I then had to seek God for the strength because on our way to the rehab which is over an hour away we started to get a bad snow storm and then he couldn't get through to the rehab. We almost went home but I started praying that God would prepare his room and the people who would be helping him. We prayed the entire time and listened to christian music. We got there and they only took him because we were paying cash. When we sat down to talk to someone I was in shock at how non-judgmental and encouraging they were to Nathan and me. I will never forget one man telling me that he never got clean when his family was working harder than he was to stay clean! That was a big wake up call for me, I needed to release the control and let Nathan and God work on his sobriety. I then had to say goodbye to him and didn't know when I would see or talk to him again. I prayed the whole way home and asked God to give me the strength to talk to our kids (who earlier in the evening who told them that since daddy lost his job he would go somewhere to get better so he could find another job) who were understandably very upset at home. I stayed up all night praying (after having a slumber party with all four kids in our room lol) and journal to God. That night was the first of many nights where I prayed through the night and listened to worship music. It was the only thing that got me through the days that followed. I have so much more to tell but already this is the longest blog ever lol
All I can say to leave whoever is reading this is that GOD is real and I know that without him not only would my marriage be dead but by husband would be too. There are so many people that have come along side us to pray and I am eternally grateful for them especially those that helped me in the middle of the night on many occasion and you know who your lovely ladies are :) God knew what he was doing when he placed the women in my life and I thank him every day for them :)