Living out Loud

 I often wonder how people get through difficult times with out God? How do you find peace or hope? God has been putting on my heart since January when Nathan went into Rehab that there are so many people that suffer in silence because they LOVE an addict. You don't want to be judged, you feel shame (for yourself and the user), and so many other feelings. The shame is the worst because it keeps you from finding freedom especially in Christ. God created us to be in community with others and that means being real. I often say that I struggle with judging those that judge because it makes me so angry! I have sat in parking lots at NA meetings seeing how many people are there and all I can do is pray for them and their families and think about how many people are suffering in silence. I am not exactly sure what God has planned but I know that he is going to use what has happened in my past to help others and for me to also be encouraged by those that I meet. I have established really amazing bonds with other women who are going through exactly what I am and I am thankful that God has placed them all in my life. On a daily basis I seek God and his plan for our life and although things are not glamorous I know that God is in it. I have faith and hope that "this too shall pass...". I am waiting on a book to arrive and I am so excited to read it and use it for whatever God wants. I just know that I am choosing to continue to live my life out loud not allowing anything or anyone to stop me from spreading what God has done in our life. This is the life God planned for me and it is GOOD TO BE ALIVE.....

Deep Thoughts

So lately I have not had much time for blogging or writing in my journal and I see the difference in myself. Why is it that us moms are so hard on ourselves and forget to take care of us?? I have had some really hard days some would say a pity party but I think it is more of my catholic up bringing coming out lol you know the catholic guilt thing or maybe Italian guilt (thanks Nana for showing me just how to be filled with guilt lol). I had a day that ended by me laying on the floor in the dark listening to worship music and crying...you know that cry that is really bad and from your gut..the kind that you pray NEVER comes out in public?? It was funny later but that night I was serious...sad...felt like a failure as a mother,wife and daughter of God. Silly for me to doubt myself but then again I was about to have my friend come for a "visit" and I was really emotional. Nathan at one point came in our room and left immediately lol then later came and held me for a little and told me that I am doing a great job and that when he married me he was concerned that I would even be able to cook a meal and I am doing way more than he ever thought LOL. Gotta love words from my husband that make me feel better and laugh :) I feel more and more that when I get like that it is because I have neglected my time with God. I feel more at peace and confident in my decisions when I have a daily time with him and to journal. I tend to be a "yes" person and forget that sometimes doing too much is worse than not doing anything at all. I am learning and thankful that I have a husband who pulls me aside and hugs me throughout the day to help calm me down. I recently heard someone call me bossy and at first I was offended BIG time but honestly I used to struggle daily to just get out of bed. I struggled for a long time with severe depression and now I have to force myself to be organized. It does not come natural to me at all (just look at my car which I call Monica's closet). I had to become the mom who puts a reminder in her phone just to remember to get the kids from the bus or my work schedule so I don't forget. So my bossy personality is really just me delegating so that our family of 6 runs smoothly so a BIG THANK YOU to anyone who calls me bossy..way better than LAZY :) My goal this year is to cut myself some slack to not expect things to be perfect and to not compare myself to the mom who makes all her kids clothes, or does amazing projects with her kids, or the mom who volunteers for all school functions....instead I am going to be thankful that my kids have a mom who cares that they feel loved and safe.. and I will try to not forget them at the bus stop lol