Choices

Everyday we make choices
what will I wear?
what will I eat?
where will I go?
should I even get out of bed?
what to make for dinner?
what bills to pay first?
These are the easy choices (although on some days can seem like they are the hardest choices to make)
The hard ones
should I have a drink?
should I take that pill?
should I gossip about that person?
should I smoke that cigarette?

The sermon yesterday was pretty amazing talking about surrounding ourselves with friends that will lift us up and encourage us. My prayer years ago to God (more like a plea) was to send some Godly women to me that would guide me right to God no matter what. A true friend soaked in the word of God and that prayer was answered just a few short years before we would walk through the toughest years of our life. God knew my heart, he knew exactly what I needed and he placed each and every single woman in my life for a reason. I am extremely blessed and have learned how to be a great woman of God and a great friend to others.

Some of you may now be wondering when we are moving...Now that was a big choice!!
We moved in with Nathans parents in the fall of 2011 and it was meant to save and pay off debt and then move again..well God had other plans and we have talked about those in the past. Nathan decided to go to Rehab BIG DECISION for our family that changed our lives forever and it was one of the proudest moments I have had as his wife :) and 2 years later Nathan is now working full time and we have paid off more than 12,000.00 in debt and the end is finally in sight. We will be DEBT FREE in August!! So naturally we were ready to move and there was this house that fell in our lap and so many things that were coming along with it. See last year we walked through a financial class and we took drastic measures and sold almost all of our things to pay down debt but we knew that when the time was right God would provide the finances (we only pay for things with cash) to purchase new beds and a couch we just knew he would! So we took the leap of faith and for the whole year we have prayed with the kids for the house that God was preparing for us. The amazing thing about our God is that the promise that he will never leave nor forsake us and he knows everything and all things can be used for his Glory. I love that he can take Nathans past drug use and my anger once given over to him and change our path completely!! Anyways so with the house was going to come new beds for all the kids, and a new to us couch and new to us table, fridge and stove!! How could this not all be from God..It was in the neighborhood we prayed we could move to..It was exactly what we could afford and still be able to save. We were so excited that finally we could have a place of our own again..not that I am not extremely grateful that his parents have opened their home to our small and VERY QUIET (hahaha) family but ladies you know what I mean we all want our own space. I could picture myself cleaning the floors and walls and cooking meals for our family and having friends over for dinner and the kids having friends over for sleepovers. It was like God was in my head and heart because I am not a materialistic person at all but he was blessing our faithfulness we just knew it.

Well two weeks before we were to sign the lease Nathan started questioning was this really for us? Could we afford it? what if we lost everything again? what if we failed? what would that do to our kids? what would people think of us again? I kept telling him God tells us not to worry to leave it in his hands and he will guide us in the right direction. I kept encouraging my husband that God was in this and he will make a way. Everyday Nathan questioned and everyday I encouraged...Then one night at Awaken (our Thursday night service at church) Mickey gave a sermon about how when we turn from our old ways God will allow things to happen and we can CHOOSE to either revert to our old ways or seek him and allow him to guide us in our new way of thinking and not allow our feelings to decide for us. So our old way was to either have complete FEAR and stand in the way of what God wanted to bless us with or to JUMP and not allow God to guide us. I felt like we were in in fear and Nathan felt we were jumping. So that night at home I realized I was encouraging him all this time because I wanted so bad to move (which rightfully so) but I was standing in the way of what God was telling my husband, my best friend, the man God put in my life to help protect and guide our family. He was nudging my husband daily to listen to the Holy Spirits whisper that this was not the house he wanted for us. I was in the basement and was crying because once I realized this I had to mourn the fact that it wasn't the house for us. But once I allowed God to comfort me and Nathan to comfort me we had this unbelievable peace and we knew that the peace was right from God. Other things have happened since then that have been confirmations that God was protecting us from moving on our own again.

So we are not moving, but we are going to push forward and have faith that the house God has planned for us is more than we could ever imagine ( I am not talk square footage either). God has a way of doing that and I am living proof that the life I am living now is not anything I ever could have imagined for myself. Yes times are hard but man if a lost little girl who was abused and filled with anger, hate, shame, fear and guilt can turn into someone who has this immense joy in my heart and a love for life that I never thought possible than surely God has a home for our family!!

Thank you to every single person who has prayed along side us in this journey and keep praying that we continue to lean into God and that the CHOICES we make are daily being brought to God.

Peace and Freedom

I can not believe that it has been since September that I have last blogged. It shows how crazy busy things have been around here. Nathan is working now and loving his job back at Belle Tire! I can not believe that this time last year we were walking through one of the hardest times of our lives and although things have gotten better we still have major hurdles to get through. I am always so open but lately I feel like I have only opened up to a close circle of women and even though I think it is ok I also think that it prevents others from feeling like they are not alone. I am not going to go into too much detail but a couple of really good friends of mine and I got together and we had one of those take the layers of masks off and we just let each other talk about icky stuff that no one wants to admit. It was healing and freeing and I know I left feeling a ton better and like God was right there with each of us as we talked and prayed. I will never be the person who pretends that everything is perfect because then I am doing harm to others out there that are walking through the same thing I am. Everyone has struggles and God wants us to walk through them and live a life full of Joy. His promise to us is that there is NOTHING that he can't handle!! I have hope that God loves me so much that he cares about my struggles and not only is he going to to hold my hand and walk me through it but he is also going to show me where I made the mistake and as long as I stay focused on him he will help prevent me from making the same mistake again.
 Nathan and I have done couples counseling years ago when we separated (another blog another day :)) we have done counseling ourselves, we have done bible studies together and separately , we have been in support groups separately and each of these paths have helped us so much to get to where we are today. I am so excited that the next 16 weeks we are doing something together that will secure our future in another way. If you know us than you know that we have moved in with his parents over a year ago and that this is our second time living with them. We have struggled to get it right and this last year we have moved past so much junk like Nathan's addictions, my anger, securing our foundation in our marriage on God, parenting..This last year we have paid ALL of our debt off!! It feels really good but we are now going to learn how to budget. We are determined to never have a credit card again and to be good stewards of our money. We tithe but we want to do more than that we want to look at our expenses and see that we give more to God than anything else in our lives. If you feel awkward about that statement ask me about it don't assume that my God is all about money because he is not. We are so thankful that God has brought us out of a VERY DARK time in our lives and he loves us so much more and has shown us how to love each other so much more that we want to thank him by giving back to others. We are looking to move hopefully this summer and we know that God is preparing our home right now and he is going to provide the way!! I am going to sit in some Peace and Freedom today :)

Living out Loud

 I often wonder how people get through difficult times with out God? How do you find peace or hope? God has been putting on my heart since January when Nathan went into Rehab that there are so many people that suffer in silence because they LOVE an addict. You don't want to be judged, you feel shame (for yourself and the user), and so many other feelings. The shame is the worst because it keeps you from finding freedom especially in Christ. God created us to be in community with others and that means being real. I often say that I struggle with judging those that judge because it makes me so angry! I have sat in parking lots at NA meetings seeing how many people are there and all I can do is pray for them and their families and think about how many people are suffering in silence. I am not exactly sure what God has planned but I know that he is going to use what has happened in my past to help others and for me to also be encouraged by those that I meet. I have established really amazing bonds with other women who are going through exactly what I am and I am thankful that God has placed them all in my life. On a daily basis I seek God and his plan for our life and although things are not glamorous I know that God is in it. I have faith and hope that "this too shall pass...". I am waiting on a book to arrive and I am so excited to read it and use it for whatever God wants. I just know that I am choosing to continue to live my life out loud not allowing anything or anyone to stop me from spreading what God has done in our life. This is the life God planned for me and it is GOOD TO BE ALIVE.....

Deep Thoughts

So lately I have not had much time for blogging or writing in my journal and I see the difference in myself. Why is it that us moms are so hard on ourselves and forget to take care of us?? I have had some really hard days some would say a pity party but I think it is more of my catholic up bringing coming out lol you know the catholic guilt thing or maybe Italian guilt (thanks Nana for showing me just how to be filled with guilt lol). I had a day that ended by me laying on the floor in the dark listening to worship music and crying...you know that cry that is really bad and from your gut..the kind that you pray NEVER comes out in public?? It was funny later but that night I was serious...sad...felt like a failure as a mother,wife and daughter of God. Silly for me to doubt myself but then again I was about to have my friend come for a "visit" and I was really emotional. Nathan at one point came in our room and left immediately lol then later came and held me for a little and told me that I am doing a great job and that when he married me he was concerned that I would even be able to cook a meal and I am doing way more than he ever thought LOL. Gotta love words from my husband that make me feel better and laugh :) I feel more and more that when I get like that it is because I have neglected my time with God. I feel more at peace and confident in my decisions when I have a daily time with him and to journal. I tend to be a "yes" person and forget that sometimes doing too much is worse than not doing anything at all. I am learning and thankful that I have a husband who pulls me aside and hugs me throughout the day to help calm me down. I recently heard someone call me bossy and at first I was offended BIG time but honestly I used to struggle daily to just get out of bed. I struggled for a long time with severe depression and now I have to force myself to be organized. It does not come natural to me at all (just look at my car which I call Monica's closet). I had to become the mom who puts a reminder in her phone just to remember to get the kids from the bus or my work schedule so I don't forget. So my bossy personality is really just me delegating so that our family of 6 runs smoothly so a BIG THANK YOU to anyone who calls me bossy..way better than LAZY :) My goal this year is to cut myself some slack to not expect things to be perfect and to not compare myself to the mom who makes all her kids clothes, or does amazing projects with her kids, or the mom who volunteers for all school functions....instead I am going to be thankful that my kids have a mom who cares that they feel loved and safe.. and I will try to not forget them at the bus stop lol

Proof Of his love

"If I could speak with inhuman eloquence and angelic ecstasy, but I don't love then I am nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.
If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything as plain as day, and if I say to mountain 'Jump!', and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.
If I give all I earn to the poor, or if I even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't have love I've gotten nowhere."

This gets me at my core... I can not explain what this song does to me every time I hear it! I know I posted this on Facebook a couple days ago but I had to put it here too because it has hit me deep in my heart in a way that sometimes I need to catch my breath. God really is so amazing that he can speak right to me using a song!! Not that long ago I was made aware that there are some people who think that this music is not glorifying God and that those that listen to it are they themselves considered ungodly!! I was shocked by this and actually cried (yes I know I am an emotionally person but that's how God made me :) ) . I cried for anyone who feels that way because music has changed me on so many levels and God has spoken to me so many times through music. Listen to this song, really listen to the words and read the quote above that he speaks in the song! To say you have Christ in you is one thing but NOTHING matters if no matter what we do not love one another. It doesn't mean you give your blessing to things that are wrong but you LOVE no matter what.  I am walking this exact thing right now and it is a struggle but at the end of the day I know that God is working in me and that I am seeking him. In the midst of the storm I am learning to praise God...Now I just wish that my first thought in the beginning of the storm was to praise him...that is a struggle but one I have faith and hope will come!!!

Inspired

I seem to always be inspired to blog when I am doing the Landscaping Billing?? That or it is the only time I have time to sit in front of the computer lately. My mind is all over the place and I have so many things that I feel like God has placed on my heart to blog about.. I know some people who happen to stumble on this blog wonder what I am doing lol me too.  I do not care about grammar, I do not have amazing reviews about products, or am I any kind of writer so what am I doing?? I have used this as a place to put all my thoughts and I really feel like what I am walking through God is going to use to help others. One thing that I have been wanting to blog about is going to take a lot of courage because although I have been forgiven by God and I have forgiven myself there will be some people who read this and judge me. There will also be some people who think I am wrong for saying what I did was wrong but read it and then talk to me privately or publicly because I love a good debate and I never judge those that have a different opinion than my own because this world would suck (that's right I said suck) if we all thought the same way...oh and yes I did as always get permission from my hubby to blog about this.

Growing up I really struggled with making sure I presented myself the right way...in front of my immediate family I was a horrible person my words and anger could cut you deep..I hated myself and everything about myself. I look at pictures now and see this little girl who really was searching for something and she thought it was physical. I thought that I had to give of myself in order to be loved.. this is really hard to admit because lately it has been brought up in different situations but I am reminded that God forgave me and I have dealt with my past. THE hardest thing I ever went through (and I know Nathan too) was that because I didn't love myself enough to respect my body to wait until I was old enough and married to have sex we ended up becoming pregnant..Yes we all know or most of you that I was pregnant when we got married at 19 years old and had a beautiful little girl Jordan!! But this was when we were 16 years old! It was the hardest time of my life and I look back and feel like it was a point that had I known God I know that my decision would have been different because I chose to listen to Doctors and outside sources rather than what my heart was already screaming. I swore I would never have an abortion when I was younger and then I became pregnant at 16. Here is more of a background I was diagnosed with by-polar manic depression when I was young (I think back and realize that was probably just serve depression) and was on a lot of medication to help with that so my doctor said the state she is in she will either kill the baby with the meds or she will kill herself if she goes off the meds. I will never forget that conversation because looking back now it was true I would have killed myself because I had tried numerous times before. I then had a choice and it was mine, either I carried the baby or aborted the baby. I chose to have an abortion. The thing is I really thought it would be better to do that rather than damage the baby with meds and myself as the mother. It was a dark time in my life. That day in November will forever be burned in my heart. I look back at my journals from that time and cry for that young girl. I remember what it felt like inside and outside.I remember the absolute pain inside and outside. I remember what the doctor looked like and how the room smelled. I remember the nurse and how cold she was. I remember the waiting room looking like we were in the 70s and how dark it was in there. I remember the emptiness I felt afterwards and how I felt like I was floating above my own body. I remember and drive by the place everyday on my way to work and I always say a prayer for the young girl who believed a lie and for other girls too. I will never forget what happened that day and how it changed me. I remember the shame I walked away feeling and how I wanted to die.I remember that for weeks and weeks I mourned the baby that would have been inside me. I remember thinking when May came around I would have had a baby and mourned that precious life. I remember them showing me the ultrasound picture afterwards and taking a picture of it with my mind. When I got saved I sobbed I don't think the women there understood why I was crying so hard and it was because I didn't know if God would really accept me if he knew what I did. I spent so much time putting my mask on and to not let people know what I had done that I thought there was no way God knew and if he found out he would leave me...I can not say enough that the opposite happened. I truly found forgiveness,grace and mercy and a freedom I could never explain once I gave this over to God. I am 100% against abortion and I will debate it until I die with whoever feels they have enough guts to do that because I have been there and the lies that are told to women and were told to me are so sad. If you have had an abortion and still think it is ok I am not going to judge you EVER so do not judge me if I believe it is wrong and if you have never had one and want to go head to head with me because I believe it is wrong that's fine too :)  I have had very close people in my life that I love very much ask me to take them for one and I have loved them through it or even helped them change their mind and it was amazing to see God do that. This is how I know that everything that I have been through in my life either because of my own choices or because of what others have done to me it is all to give GOD the glory because there is no way I would be here if it wasn't for HIM!! So for those that didn't know this about me I pray that this doesn't change how you think of me but that you will remember what I said and if you have had one and still struggle with it then there is hope for you too but if you never had one maybe this will help you to have some compassion for someone who has. I know that whenever I open up to other women about this I find at least a handful in a room that tell me they did too...that to me means a lot of women walking around with shame and guilt that God can take care of :)

Let's be real....

So by now even if you are not a close friend or a family member you know that I am an open book..probably too open for some people. I really believe that if you can not be honest with people about your struggles than how will you ever know that you are not alone in what you are going through? I have been praying for a long time that our church would start a group at Awaken for family members of addicts because I just haven't found the support I wanted at Nara-non meetings. I think I have missed the spiritual side to the meetings that I always found at Celebrate Recovery like when someone is really struggling you can all gather around them and pray for them it was huge for me. I loved the relationships I built because of our common struggle and knowing that with Christ all things are possible. So a couple weeks ago when a friend of mine sent me a picture text of the next line up of groups and the type of group I (and some of my friends) had been praying for was one of the groups we were so excited!! I purchased my book right away and have been reading it already and my highlighter is almost dry. The book is written by a recovering addict and it is amazing!  I feel like this group is going to do amazing things for a lot of people who are in my spot right now. It is very hard to be married to an addict you wear a lot of hats and become very good at being the private investigator but all I can say is that I love my husband more than anything in this world and because God has been at the center of everyone of my days I know that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. God is doing amazing things in my life and my husbands life and I feel like there is a reason why we are going through these struggles. I have been feeling lately that God is saying that I need to take this season and listen...learn...and trust him. I believe that no matter what happens God is there and the pretty cool thing is that he has set it all up already. I have never felt closer to God in all of my life. Because I am so open with our struggles I have had lots of people tell me that they too are struggling being married to an addict. I look around and people that I never would have guessed that they were struggling with the same thing I am. I have learned that there are some couples who have to live double lives and that has got to be way harder than what I am going through. I know Nathan doesn't always agree with how open I am but I think it is being true to yourself and allowing God to use you to help other people but also have the potential to learn from others as well. My prayer right now is that anyone else who sees in our church bulletin that the family members of addicts group starts soon will take the step to be part of it and I pray that anyone who reads this who may not go to our church decides to take that same step because I am living proof that being open and allowing God to work in you is by far way better than closing the doors and windows to your heart and home and pretending...